Well, I think it's safe to say I'm not a happy sheep!
I'm in a baaad mood and nothing nobody says will make me happy again. Ever.
There's me and Lenny dressed up as chickens last night ("Match of the Day" was on Wednesday night, so our mission was put on hold.) Somehow we sneaked into the chicken coop completely unnoticed; our disguises were a complete success! One nice surprise was meeting an old mate of mine Emily Chicken and we had a wonderful chat catching up on the old days. She asked how my mum was, I said she was fine. Her mum's ok too, and her dad finally got round to fixing his beloved motorbike. It was lovely to talk to her again, and really, she hadn't aged at all in those six months since we last saw each other.
So there all of us chickens were, sitting on our eggs (me and Lenny had golf balls), waiting anxiously for the first signs of The Mad Zombie of Farmer Jack's farm.
It was about 9 o'clock when we all heard the first scufflings and scratchings outside the coop...
The time had come, I thought, we shall catch our zombie!
Through the doorway we could see a dark shadow creeping about, like a scary shadowy shadow-thing it was.
The chickens were clucking nervously, so me and Lenny joined in, "cluck, cluck, cluckedy cluck!" we clucked. No doubt we'd asked for a kilo of tomatoes in chicken language, but it didn't matter, we were focussed on our mission.
Suddenly, a small round figure shuffled into the coop. It was too dark to see who it was, so me and Lenny didn't wait around and we jumped him quick and the Zombie let out a large scream! All hell broke loose and the chickens went crazy. The place was full of feathers and noise and our zombie was struggling hard to make a getaway but me and Lenny held onto him fast. A big egg fight started and in the chaos me, Lenny and the zombie fell out of the coop into the yard.
We had our zombie and now we shall find out who he really was!
At first, I was shocked. I couldn't believe who the zombie was. He seemed such a nice chap when I'd seen him about on the farm. Always said hello and let lady animals through the gate first. A real gentleman.
But no. Sebastian pig is a Zombie! And suddenly everything made sense...
Every morning all the animals would visit Sebastian for breakfast. He had a great reputation for making lovely fried egg sandwiches, and they were gorgeous it has to be said. But he would never let on where he got his eggs from, "A good cook never gives away his secrets", he always used to say.
But now we know! He'd sneak into the chicken coop every night, scare the chickens and nick their eggs, shouting "I am a mad zombie! Fear for your lives!".
This is the point where I get a bit angry and I practically hate everyone on the farm. The chickens said the zombie had wonky legs and weird eyes. So everybody blamed me.
Have you seen Sebastian? Here's a picture.
He's a three-legged one-eyed pig.
So when you're on the look out for a "wonky-legged bogg-eyed zombie", who's going to be your first suspect?
But oh no, he makes lovely fried egg sandwiches and he's so friendly and polite, therefore it must be Derek The flippin' Sheep!
Well thanks a bunch gang. Unless I get a big box of chocolates and all the grass I can eat, plus a big bottle of lemonade, then I'm off to live on another farm.