Wednesday, July 27, 2005

New Story

Had a bit of a shock to see I'm in next week's Beano. I was only in there a couple of weeks ago! Blimey, I'll be in there weekly at this rate.
Here's a sneaky look at Cecil's sister Doris (no relation to Fat Tony's girlfriend).

Me and my pal Harold

I must say Harold has turned out to be a lovely bloke. It's nice to actually have a conversation with someone on an interlectrical level the same as me.
You know, I've often found myself stood in my field desperate for conversation about the latest poetry, or maybe discuss the finer details of Rolf Harris' latest masterpiece in oil. But all the conversations round 'ere tend to be about cowpats, ducks, the way the wind blows one way and then the other or "do worms have eyes?".
Me and Harold had a lovely chat about steam trains yesterday. I've never seen a steam train, or even heard of one before yesterday, but I successfully pretended to Harold that I'd written a book on "Steam Trains Through the Centuries". He was most curious about my "knowledge" of the early steam trains used by Roman armies in 300BC and how they'd used them to carry lots of soldiers around and conquer the world. little did he know that I'd made up every word. He wants to see a copy, so I'll have to get scribbling.

We also discussed the shapes of clouds and how they might possibly be real animals that roam the skies looking for food (aeroplanes?). A frightening thought. You won't get me on one of them planes now!!

Lenny tried to join in, but how can you take anyone seriously when they've got half a jam doughnut plastered all over his gob? I don't think Harold likes Lenny "he's a bit of a plank" was his words. And you know what, I think I agree!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

King Harold

Apparently Harold is a very rare goat, so he says. Something about his family being bred especially for King Louis the 14th of France or something, back in the late 1600s. Seems King Louis was partial to chocolate milkshakes made with the finest goats milk.
I wasn't too impressed myself, but now Lenny's got everyone bowing everytime Harold walks past. "It ain't often you see royalty round these parts" says Lenny, and Harold is loving every bit of it.

He reckons his family escaped the French Revolution and fled on a boat over to Dover and they were hidden secretly away by a kindly farmer. Why would anyone be interested in arresting a stupid goat anyway?? All sounds suspicious to me. Then Harold showed us his secret locket which he hangs around his neck. Inside is the old toenail of his great-great-great grandfather who came over from France. Could've been any old manky toenail really, but everyone "oohed" and "aahed" all the same. Believe anything that lot.
I showed them my tonsils which I keep in a jar and told them it was King Henry the 8th's pet kippers found hidden under the stairs of the Tower of London in 1972. And they believed that too!!

What a bunch of bananas.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Harold the Goat

Do you remember Bernard the goat? You know annoying bearded thing that eats everything from underpants to old newspapers? Well regular readers will know that Bernard is now a turnip and we keep him in a box to make sure no one eats him. Cos, like you know one day he might grow back into a goat again. Stranger things have happened at sea.

Well anyway, Farmer Jack's gone and bought another goat on the assumption that Bernard's run off somewhere and ain't coming back (It's a fair assumption. Bob Chicken did try and tell Farmer Jack that Bernard's a turnip nowadays, but I think that all that Farmer Jack heard was "Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck.", 'cos he don't speak chicken.).

So this new goat; Harold is his name and nobody likes him one bit!! He struts about like he owns the place, shouting orders at the ducks; telling Larry the horse all about the ways and wherefores of growing vegetables; nagging the cows about all their cowpats everywhere. And he's SO BORING!!! He don't stop yapping!!! Rabbitting on about clouds in the sky, how aeroplanes fly (actually that was quite interesting), telling me I should walk with a better posture otherwise I'll end up bow-legged in my old age. Flippin' cheek. He still eats underpants though, so that's a plus. But, blimey he's coming over tomorrow to tell me and Lenny all about the history of the Industrial Revolution in the 19th Century. Oh joy.

Come back Bernard, all is forgiven, that's what I say!

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Hooray! I'm in the Beano! Again!

A lovely new story starring me, Lenny (poorly acted as usual), Cecil (uninvited I must add) plus a small selection of wannabes desperate to get their faces in the Beano (shame on you!) is in this week's issue!! Is it me, or does a new adventure of Derek the Sheep appearing in the Beano put a spring in your step?