Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Quiz time!! Big prizes!!!

Oh yes! As promised here is a fantastic quiz to test the knowledge of even the most hardened Derek the Sheep fan!

Up for grabs is not one, but two Beano 2006 Annuals signed by me (Derek), Cecil, Lenny, Nobby, Bernard and some bloke called Gary Northfield (I think he clears out the manure or something, no one seems to know).

So, two lucky people will be running away with this highly sought-after treasure, purely by knowing what I've been upto in the Beano the last 18 months or so.

It's a multiple-choice quiz to give you a vague chance, just in case you might have missed the odd issue, we are kindly folk after all. If by any chance there's a draw with three or more people getting the highest correct answers, then all winning names will be put into a hat, under strict supervision by an independant adjudicator (Trevor Duck has volunteered. He's got a moustache and we decided he looked the most important), and the winners names will be pulled out of the hat thereof. We'll show photos of the hat-picking to prove we weren't cheating! Runners-up in a tie will get a sketch anyway to make up for any disappointment and to stop yer blubbering.
All decisions are final.

All entries must be emailed to me at by Sunday October 9th 2005 midnight BST. And no putting it on ebay the next day! This amazing prize will be something to show off to your grandchildren in one hundred years time, when you're living on the moon or something.

here goes!

Good luck!!

Question 1
In my very first adventure, what was guarding the bridge stopping everyone getting to the other side?

a) A smelly tractor
b) A fire-breathing troll
c) A very angry bull
d) a nasty big wasp

Question 2
In the story "Field of Dreams" (issue 3227 may 22nd 2004), me and my mate Lizzie escape from Farmer Jack on a tractor. Why was he chasing us?

a) We'd blown up his favourite shed
b) We'd eaten his underpants
c) We'd eaten his prize apples
d) He wanted to sell us for magic beans

Question 3
In "Getting the wind up" (issue 3231 June 19th 2004), I had a fight with a stupid squirrel. What was he trying to watch on the T.V.?

a) Wildlife On One
b) Blue Peter
c) Can't Cook, Won't Cook
d) Britney Spear's latest video

Question 4
I had a lovely snowy story in "No Business like snow business" back in December 2004 (issue 3256), but what did me and the gang use for a sledge?

a) A big fat cow
b) The barn door
c) Lots of cowpats tied together
d) An old boat

Question 5
I had a load of flies hanging around my backside getting on my nerves in issue 3236, July 24th 2004. What did I use as a long tail to give 'em a good whacking?

a) A broom
b) A welly
c) Some old rope
d) a bullrush

Question 6
Cecil and his stupid cousin George completely ruined my chances of winning "Best Farmyard Haircut 2005" in "Bad Hair Day" (iss. 3262, Jan 22 2005), but George loved competitions; what did he win just the week before?

a) Essex County champion spelling bee
b) Loveliest Legs, Margate
c) A bubblegum blowing contest
d) Hotdog eating championship

Question 7
Who turned up for the first time in issue 3252 November 13th 2004, desperate to be my friend, but ending up getting me in big trouble?

a) Lenny
b) Cecil
c) Nobby
d) Bernard

Question 8
In "It's an Ill Wind", (3240 August 2004), I somehow got loads of crisps stuck in my eyes; what did Lenny throw in my face to wash them out with?

a) Baked beans
b) Washing up liquid
c) A cup of tea
d) Sheep dip

Question 9
We came face to face with a stupid leprechaun in issue 3245 (sept 25th 2004), but he wasn't actually from Ireland! Where was he from?

a) Luton Airport
b) Romford, Essex
c) Barnsley
d) Loch Ness

Question 10
Farmer Jack made us all wear annoying bells round our necks in issue 3266 (Feb 19th 2005). What was the punishment if we took them off?

a) Wash all 28 of his dirty tractors
b) Milk the cows with our bare hands
c) Cross country running in the pouring rain
d) Wash his dirty underwear

Question 11
In issue 3270 (Mar 19th 2005) we had a great game of football, but who didn't like being a goalpost and walked off in a sulk?

a) Lenny
b) Ernie the horse
c) Kevin the rabbit
d) Nobby the hedgehog

Question 12
In last years Christmas issue all us sheep were auditioning for a part in the nativity play. What was Lenny's act that left the judges unimpressed?

a) Cowpat spinning
b) Doing his Britney Spears dance
c) Juggling eggs
d) Jumping through fiery hoops. Backwards. On a motorbike.

Question 13
I had a painful bunion on my foot in issue 3274 (April 16th 2005). Cecil had a new birthday present which really got on my nerves; what was it?

a) A trumpet
b) A guitar
c) Karaoke machine
d) A singing fish

Question 14
I was unhappy at being mistaken for Lenny in issue 3286 (July 9th 2005), what did Cecil dress me up as to make me look different?

a) An Outer Hebrides Yeti
b) A Hungarian Big Eared Llama
c) A Chinese Night Wombat
d) A Mongolian Hairy Moose

Question 15
Last month, issue 3290, we met Big Baz for the first time, but who knocked all his teeth out?

a) Doris, Cecil's sister
b) Eric the really big horse
c) Nutty Nigel
d) Farmer Jack

And that's it!! Just write your answers like this "Q1 - A" or something. you don't have rewrite the whole questions.

good luck!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Gammy leg

As some of my chums already know, I hurt my hoof playing football last week. it was a cracking tackle and had I not been stretchered off, I would certainly have been "Sheep of the Match". Instead Mad Nigel won that particular prize for scoring what can only be described as a "bum goal" as the ball bounced off his behind when he was standing talking to Lenny about the power of his "magic eyeballs" (apparently he can make traffic lights turn green if he stares long enough at them. Very useful).

Anyway, I'm currently a completely grumpy git (see my bunion story from a few months ago for a strangely similar situation). I also attempted to upload the Beano Annual 2006 quiz with big long complicated questions based on lovely old me, but then my computer crashed and all was lost. I then took the computer and threw it out of the window. Which was a bit stupid, as I then had to buy another one from Bernard "dodgy geezer" the goat. Lenny wasn't happy either, as he was bidding on a pair of maracas on ebay yesterday and he unfortunately lost the auction in the end by 50p.
Ha ha ha.

So the quiz will turn up tomorrow and there will be TWO annuals up for grabs to make up for the slight delay!

Ain't I the loveliest sheep you ever met?


Friday, September 09, 2005


Another month, another lovely Beano adventure!
An absolute loony cracker of a story this month, with a tree pixie, ants in perms and the return of Bernard the goat! You'll laugh yer pants off. Lenny did.

A big thank you too to all my loyal fans who have apparently been voting for me in the latest readers poll in the Beano even though my name wasn't listed!!! How cool is that? You're all stars. in fact the Ed. was so chuffed (and he thinks my adventures are so hilarious), that there maybe changes afoot. Watch this space...

In other news, the bloke who signs his name at the bottom of each of my brilliant stories, Gary Northfield, will be putting in an appearance at the Comic Expo in Brighton on November the 19th and 20th. So if you're about then toddle along to say hello and get your free Derek the Sheep sketch! There are vague plans for Derek goodies to sell, so watch this website for further updates.

Happy days!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

today I wrote a song.

I wrote a lovely song called "Stupid Spiders, You Smell". You know when a tune gets stuck in your head and it just won't go? I was chewing the grass in the field and the rhythm of my teeth grinding got this little tune going in my head.
A stupid spider annoyed me this morning by putting a cobweb right in the doorway of the barn, which I walked straight into. He shouted at me about destroying his new home and that I was an imbecile (big word for a spider), but what does he expect building a web in such a stupid place?

So anyway, my song goes like this (think Slipknot/Girls Aloud):

Flippin' stinky spider,
You're flippin' ugly too,
Why don't you buzz off,
Or I'll flush you down the loo.

You think you're so clever,
You think you're really bad,
But really, you're just stinky,
And you're really, really sad.
You ain't got no flies,
And you ain't got no friends,
Spiders are so smelly,
You just drive me round the bend.

You smell of greasy onions,
you've got lots of stinky feet,
you're breath makes the hair fall out of every girl you meet.

You think you're so clever,
You think you're really bad,
But really, you're just stinky,
And you're really, really sad.
You ain't got no flies,
And you ain't got no friends,
Spiders are so smelly,
You just drive me round the bend!!

++++Guitar solo from Kevin rabbit++++

Stupid smelly spider,
Leave my barn and go,
Take your stinky armpits,
You're the grottiest that I know!

You think you're so clever,
You think you're really bad,
But really, you're just stinky,
And you're really, really sad.
You ain't got no flies,
And you ain't got no friends,
Spiders are so smelly,
You just drive me round the bend!!!

I think it's a work of genius and should be number one for Christmas.

Lenny says I'm a plank.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Guess who's just turned up on a magic carpet!

There we all were having a lovely sunbathe on what is possibly the hottest day ever in history, when a magical rainbow appeared in the sky in a brilliant cloud of twinkling golden stardust. And through this cloud flew a beautiful blue and gold magic carpet upon which sat two mysterious figures.

We couldn't believe our eyes when the carpet landed softly on the grass next to Lenny, for there sitting as if it was just another day on the farm was Bernard the Flippin' Goat!!! And sitting next to him was that funny little Leprechaun-thingy! You know, the one who turned us all into turnips!


You don't see something like that too often and after everything we've been through, we had to pinch ourselves to make sure we weren't dreaming. Well, I actually pinched Lenny and he screamed so loud (like a little girly, might I add) that it had to be real.

But before we could say "Flippin' eck, where've you been ya stupid goat?", the leprythingy ran over to Harold the Goat and zapped him with his magic lightning!

"What are you doing?" I shouted, "Harold's lovely, leave him alone!".

"'E ain't lovely, begorrah! He be a wickid shape-changing goblin, so he be!" Said the leprechaun.

"You still trying to do that Irish accent?" I asked, "It's rubbish. I'd give up mate".

But he was right! Harold WAS a goblin. A really ugly evil goblin and the Irish fellow had magicked him back to his real self.

"E was going to eat you lot right up! It was him, disguised as me, who turned you into turnips in the first place. I wouldn't do no such trick!
He was going to eat you all up as turnips, but was foiled when his magic faded quicker than expected. He couldn't eat Bernard as you'd hidden him well; but not from me!"

"I'd heard what had happened and came and rescued Bernard, while this 'ere goblin was masquerading as Harold the goat, working on a new plan to gobble you all up. He was worming his way into your lives and befriending you and then when you were sleeping he was going to Scoff you all!!"

Flippin' flip. The world has finally gone mad.
"Is this true, Harold?" I looked him in the eye, "Were you really going to eat us?"

The stupid goblin looked at me right back. "Too blummin' right!" He spluttered, "I was just working on a new spell to turn you all into sausages for tomorrow's breakfast. It would have been lovely! Mmm.."

"Don't you worry about him," said the leprechaun, "I'm taking him back to my castle and throwing him into a dungeon! He won't be turning anybody into sausages for a long time!"

He grabbed harold the goblin, threw him on his carpet and off they flew, over the rainbow and into the distant clouds.

All jaws were dropped.

Sausages. He was going to turn us into sausages and eat us. What a horrible goat. And to think I gave him my copy of Britney Spears Greatest Hits album. The rotter.

Well, it was nice to see Bernard restored to his old self. That leprechaun apparently took him on many amazing adventures to mysterious lands looking for the spell to put him right, but it all sounds so boring when Bernard tells a story, I fell asleep while he was still telling us about his exploits as a turnip in a box.

We gave him a big pair of pants to eat though, and he was so grateful; he hadn't eaten a pair of underpants in three months and was starting to lose his mind he reckoned.

Good old Bernard.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Buy the new Beano Annual!!

Oh yes! I picked up my copy at the local newsagent (they were doing "buy one get one free", so I bought the Dandy Annual too), and I'm so excited as it's my first appearance in the hallowed pages of the Beano Annual. Flippin' 'eck what a cracker it is too as I come face to face with a right nasty character who don't seem to like sheep very much! And don't forget to look out for a very special feature too....

Of course, you might want to wait a bit, as next week I'm running a special "Know Your Derek the Sheep" quiz, with a signed 2006 Beano Annual up for grabs!

Get swotting!!