There we all were having a lovely sunbathe on what is possibly the hottest day ever in history, when a magical rainbow appeared in the sky in a brilliant cloud of twinkling golden stardust. And through this cloud flew a beautiful blue and gold magic carpet upon which sat two mysterious figures.
We couldn't believe our eyes when the carpet landed softly on the grass next to Lenny, for there sitting as if it was just another day on the farm was Bernard the Flippin' Goat!!! And sitting next to him was that funny little Leprechaun-thingy! You know, the one who turned us all into turnips!
You don't see something like that too often and after everything we've been through, we had to pinch ourselves to make sure we weren't dreaming. Well, I actually pinched Lenny and he screamed so loud (like a little girly, might I add) that it had to be real.
But before we could say "Flippin' eck, where've you been ya stupid goat?", the leprythingy ran over to Harold the Goat and zapped him with his magic lightning!
"What are you doing?" I shouted, "Harold's lovely, leave him alone!".
"'E ain't lovely, begorrah! He be a wickid shape-changing goblin, so he be!" Said the leprechaun.
"You still trying to do that Irish accent?" I asked, "It's rubbish. I'd give up mate".
But he was right! Harold WAS a goblin. A really ugly evil goblin and the Irish fellow had magicked him back to his real self.
"E was going to eat you lot right up! It was him, disguised as me, who turned you into turnips in the first place. I wouldn't do no such trick!
He was going to eat you all up as turnips, but was foiled when his magic faded quicker than expected. He couldn't eat Bernard as you'd hidden him well; but not from me!"
"I'd heard what had happened and came and rescued Bernard, while this 'ere goblin was masquerading as Harold the goat, working on a new plan to gobble you all up. He was worming his way into your lives and befriending you and then when you were sleeping he was going to Scoff you all!!"
Flippin' flip. The world has finally gone mad.
"Is this true, Harold?" I looked him in the eye, "Were you really going to eat us?"
The stupid goblin looked at me right back. "Too blummin' right!" He spluttered, "I was just working on a new spell to turn you all into sausages for tomorrow's breakfast. It would have been lovely! Mmm.."
"Don't you worry about him," said the leprechaun, "I'm taking him back to my castle and throwing him into a dungeon! He won't be turning anybody into sausages for a long time!"
He grabbed harold the goblin, threw him on his carpet and off they flew, over the rainbow and into the distant clouds.
All jaws were dropped.
Sausages. He was going to turn us into sausages and eat us. What a horrible goat. And to think I gave him my copy of Britney Spears Greatest Hits album. The rotter.
Well, it was nice to see Bernard restored to his old self. That leprechaun apparently took him on many amazing adventures to mysterious lands looking for the spell to put him right, but it all sounds so boring when Bernard tells a story, I fell asleep while he was still telling us about his exploits as a turnip in a box.
We gave him a big pair of pants to eat though, and he was so grateful; he hadn't eaten a pair of underpants in three months and was starting to lose his mind he reckoned.
Good old Bernard.