Sunday, September 04, 2005

Guess who's just turned up on a magic carpet!

There we all were having a lovely sunbathe on what is possibly the hottest day ever in history, when a magical rainbow appeared in the sky in a brilliant cloud of twinkling golden stardust. And through this cloud flew a beautiful blue and gold magic carpet upon which sat two mysterious figures.

We couldn't believe our eyes when the carpet landed softly on the grass next to Lenny, for there sitting as if it was just another day on the farm was Bernard the Flippin' Goat!!! And sitting next to him was that funny little Leprechaun-thingy! You know, the one who turned us all into turnips!

Unbelievable!!

You don't see something like that too often and after everything we've been through, we had to pinch ourselves to make sure we weren't dreaming. Well, I actually pinched Lenny and he screamed so loud (like a little girly, might I add) that it had to be real.

But before we could say "Flippin' eck, where've you been ya stupid goat?", the leprythingy ran over to Harold the Goat and zapped him with his magic lightning!

"What are you doing?" I shouted, "Harold's lovely, leave him alone!".

"'E ain't lovely, begorrah! He be a wickid shape-changing goblin, so he be!" Said the leprechaun.

"You still trying to do that Irish accent?" I asked, "It's rubbish. I'd give up mate".

But he was right! Harold WAS a goblin. A really ugly evil goblin and the Irish fellow had magicked him back to his real self.



"E was going to eat you lot right up! It was him, disguised as me, who turned you into turnips in the first place. I wouldn't do no such trick!
He was going to eat you all up as turnips, but was foiled when his magic faded quicker than expected. He couldn't eat Bernard as you'd hidden him well; but not from me!"

"I'd heard what had happened and came and rescued Bernard, while this 'ere goblin was masquerading as Harold the goat, working on a new plan to gobble you all up. He was worming his way into your lives and befriending you and then when you were sleeping he was going to Scoff you all!!"


Flippin' flip. The world has finally gone mad.
"Is this true, Harold?" I looked him in the eye, "Were you really going to eat us?"

The stupid goblin looked at me right back. "Too blummin' right!" He spluttered, "I was just working on a new spell to turn you all into sausages for tomorrow's breakfast. It would have been lovely! Mmm.."

"Don't you worry about him," said the leprechaun, "I'm taking him back to my castle and throwing him into a dungeon! He won't be turning anybody into sausages for a long time!"

He grabbed harold the goblin, threw him on his carpet and off they flew, over the rainbow and into the distant clouds.

All jaws were dropped.

Sausages. He was going to turn us into sausages and eat us. What a horrible goat. And to think I gave him my copy of Britney Spears Greatest Hits album. The rotter.

Well, it was nice to see Bernard restored to his old self. That leprechaun apparently took him on many amazing adventures to mysterious lands looking for the spell to put him right, but it all sounds so boring when Bernard tells a story, I fell asleep while he was still telling us about his exploits as a turnip in a box.

We gave him a big pair of pants to eat though, and he was so grateful; he hadn't eaten a pair of underpants in three months and was starting to lose his mind he reckoned.

Good old Bernard.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like your news clips. Visit anytime, And Im always looking for new reads.

cialis

Gertie said...

But...but...I ate Bernard!! Albeit he passed right through me as if nothing happened (watch it...>:( )Who's this Goblin fellow!! Who's Bjorn!! Why am I wearing a pink scarf???

Menaceman said...

Is it a ghost scarf? Maybe it likes you...?

Fat Tony said...

Are you sure you haven't all been eating some funny mushrooms?
Goblins indeed!
And Gertie, you couldn't possibly have eaten him, because vegetable chum's been yoinked by The Mole.

MIKE DA HAT said...

Blimey! That was unexpected. Who'd have thought it of Harold. I guess it's the old adage "The quiet ones are the worst."

Menaceman said...

mike da hat, I take offence! I am a "quiet one" and i'm fine. Sure I'm a little crazy every now and again and I sit under tables when I'm feeling low, but who doesn't...?

Derek said...

I'm loving your photos on your blog Mike by the way!

Derek said...

I'm loving your photos on your blog Mike by the way!

Paws said...

See? I told you that we should have gone through with Plan Regicide! Doesn't he know that pigs make better sausages than sheep?

So the moral of the story is "Some fish and birds are delusional. But then again, so are some cats."

MIKE DA HAT said...

Chrikey! a sheep likes my photo's. Thanks Derek. Just try not to eat them.

Menaceman - I'm sorry. But the quiet ones are usually the worst sitting in corners brooding whilst sharpening their axes. But of course it's not ALL quiet ones. Just the raging psychopathic axe murderers which of course you're not one. I hope that redeems myself.

Menaceman said...

Of course it does! Yay! Now where did I put that knife? Don't worry I'm only joking! Honest! I'm too timid to even contimplate using a knife for anything other than food, and possibly art.

Molyan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.