Friday, April 29, 2005

We're all doomed!!

Me and Bob have finally finished writing our letter to "New Scientist" telling them of the impending doom from the big Spider Planet we've discovered. You won't believe how long we took to write the flippin thing! Bob is such a fusspot and kept changing the words all the time and getting on my nerves. As it is it's like a blummin' novel about someone's life story. I've never written something so long-winded, my wrists hurt!
Let's hope they realise that we're not being stupid and take us seriously. The whole world's survival depends on them reading this.
Hopefully we'll win a year's subscription.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Derek corner!

Well, I finally scraped together enough pennies to buy the latest issue of the Beano. Farmer Jack pays 25p if you clean one of his tractors, which is a fair deal. So I cleaned two over the weekend, which makes 50p and I also sold a bale of hay to Bernard the Goat for 35p (which farmer Jack doesn't know about), so I had enough to buy the Beano AND a 10p "chomp". Hooray!
I was nearly bowled over with surprise when I spotted the new feature on the letters page; Derek Corner! A lovely little spot to send in your drawings of ME. And already there was a snappy drawing of me dressed as Tarzan swinging on a snake, by William Hunt of Farnham. What a great idea and seeing as I'm so good looking, it should make a change from looking at all those other ugly mugs that normally get drawn.
It certainly cheered up a rainy miserable day and my chomp tasted even lovelier. Thanks ed!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Invasion of Earth!!!

Our new discovery of a spider planet is getting quite exciting as it seems to be getting closer. Me and Bob Chicken are a bit worried that there maybe an invasion of spider aliens heading towards Earth, which would be horrible; spiders are stupid and having more would be extremely annoying. Although it can't be as boring as that stupid alien invasion on Dr.Who last night! Well I'm guessing it was stupid as I fell asleep through it due to it being very boring. Oh well, at least there's a dalek in it next week, although I bet it's a rubbish nice dalek which can fly and shoot ping pong balls from it's eyes. That's how bad I reckon it'll be. Bring back the cybermen who are really cool, I say, and bring back K-9 as their evil leader with a big stupid curly moustache.

Can you tell I'm bored?

Monday, April 18, 2005

Lenny's balloon doesn't like me!

I'm starting to think my farm has been caught up in some mad space-warp where everything is the same except for the fact that everybody is INSANE!!!!

I asked Lenny if he wanted to look at my great new telescope as I think we've spotted a new spider-shaped planet (Bob the chicken and Astronomer extraordinaire believes we could be on the threshold of fame and fortune). But no, Lenny was going out with his new friend his balloon to look for bluebells. Bluebells aren't out for at least another two weeks I argued, but apparently the balloon reckons that due to global warming there's a great chance they'll be out early this year.

What do flippin' balloons know about flippin' flowers and flippin' global warming?!

I got a bit angry and shouted at Lenny to stop being such a fool and stop playing with his stupid balloon as it's making him look like an idiot.
Well, according to Lenny, the balloon did not like this and would prefer it if Lenny didn't hang around with me any more!

Can you believe it? Why the balloon can't say it to my face I don't know. Maybe because it's a balloon AND BALLOONS DON'T TALK!!!

I tell ya, that balloon is getting right on my nerves.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Lenny's new friend

I'm getting a bit worried about Lenny. A red balloon blew into our field yesterday and it landed right next to Lenny in a hedge. Now Lenny loves his new balloon and won't go anywhere without it. He won't let anybody touch it neither and if we're rude about the balloon (I said it was stupid), he gets really angry and storms off.
I know we all get possessive about things from time to time, but Lenny's behaviour is getting really strange. I even thought I heard him talking to his balloon this afternoon in our barn! I think he was discussing the merits of the new Doctor Who and I'm sure I heard him shout at his balloon, "No! You are wrong! Christopher Ecclescake is a brilliant Doctor Who. What would you know? You're just a flippin' balloon!"

Which is frankly, quite scary.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Bunion bedlam!

My latest mad adventure is in this weeks Beano! I'm right grumpy this week and everybody gets on my nerves! It don't help that I've got a nasty bunion on my toe and no one cares.
Hope you enjoy it!

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Stupid telescopes

Me and the lads are big fans of astronomy round here and often wonder if there are sheep on Mars. Or if you're Cecil, you'd be wondering if there were bees on other planets. So we got quite excited when we read that they are building super-size telescopes, which can see further than anything built ever. Even further than the Bubble telescope, which has been brilliant.
The only thing that made us laugh was the stupid names they come up with for their new telescopes! Like the Extremely Large Telescope (ELT), or the Overwhelmingly Large Telescope (Owl).
So we decided, that if we build a telescope on our farm we're going to call it FELATSOTT, which stands for Flipping Eck Look At The Size Of That Telescope. We've started building it already and have collected over 30 old toilet rolls. This thing is going to be HUGE!

Friday, April 08, 2005

Bug out

Well, you've probably been wondering why I've been lying low all week...

We finally got that little singing ladybird out of his pot the other day. It was Lenny's bright idea to drop it out of a tree and smash it on the rocks below, although the insect community wasn't best pleased with this turn of events. But, we'd run out of curly wurly so something had to be done.
So up Lenny went and he dropped the pot, but it just bounced. I called him an idiot, he said I was a big fat cow pat. I then grabbed the pot, chucked it at him and he fell out of the tree. The pot then dropped on his concrete bonce and smashed to pieces.

Initially we thought the bug was very happy, so I went up to him and told him how pleased we were to see him free and that he owed us £3.85 for all them curly-wurlys.
Cheeky little blighter then punched me in the chops and gave me a whopper of a black eye!!!

Everyone laughed at me and I got chased by a marauding crowd of excitable ladybirds and chickens (chickens will always get involved if there's a scrap to be had).

So I've kept well out of the spotlight. But I'm in next week's Beano, so I'll have to show my face at some point (I'm the guest celebrity at the opening of a new sweetshop on Tuesday, so I think I'll ask for a box curly-wurlys instead of cash).

Saturday, April 02, 2005


I've been trying to work out if this is an April Fools joke.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Tensions are rising...

Call me Dave

By the way, for the sake of foreign editions of the Beano, it has been decided that I should now be called Dave, as this is a far more universally recognised British name and Derek means "packet of crisps" in Spanish.
So from now on, I'm Dave the Sheep.
And Lenny is to be called Brenda.