The conker competition has taken a very unexpected turn. We had to postpone it last week due to my Beano/fame commitments, i.e. I had to open a new pet shop in Swindon and then I had to go on a fun run to raise money for dyslexic hedgehogs.
Crumbs I hate running. Running's for fools who enjoy pain. And I was surrounded by 'em. Well I was for about 2 minutes at the beginning then I sort of got left behind.
But it was for a good cause and we had alot of happy hedgehogs everywhere, eating ice creams mainly. You know, I've never actually seen a hedgehog eat a worm. Bert worm says he's only ever had good times with hedgehogs and never had the occasion to run for his life from one. So I reckon it's one of them "Urban Mists" or whatever.
I'm still beating all those who dare come near me with my King Kong-ker (do you see what I did there? I'm not calling it Big Bertha anymore as that's a girls name. It's now "King Kong-ker". You're allowed to copy me and call your conkers the same.)
Big Baz destroyed Lenny as expected. Somehow Lenny turned up with a conker more like a big raisin, which was no use to man nor beast. He said he soaked it in vinegar to make it go hard, but it just made it go soggy. Bit like his brain.
The big shock was the defeat of Cecil's cousin George. George loves competitions as many of you will remember. And when it comes to conkers George is the bee to beat all-comers. He's the South yorkshire Conker reigning champion and no one has beat him. But it took one thwack from Big Baz's "Little Baz" and it was smashed to smithereens!!
George was so upset, he didn't speak to no-one. He took the train home and ain't been heard of since. Cecil said his mobile was switched off too.
George is normally a fair player as well, and he ain't never a sore loser ever. What upset him was the fact that his conker was recently declared the Toughest Conker in Britain by the "Guiness Book Of Records". So how comes it was smashed to billions of little pieces??
Seeing as Big Baz was involved, you KNOW that foul play is just around the corner.
We're watching you Big Baz...