Thursday, August 25, 2005

I am a ninja!!

First an apology. You've probably noticed my little diary has been a bit quiet the last few weeks. Being in the Beano on a regular basis has made me pretty famous and I've become very popular on the after-dinner speech circuit. I've actually been doing a tour of sheep barns enrapturing audiences. (I learnt the word "enrapturing" the other day off a very brainy rabbit. Apparently my eyeballs are "enrapturing", and I was completely hooked thereafter. Isn't it brilliant? I'll be using it much more often from now on to impress my mates.)

Anyway, I've toured the barns of London, Hemsby, Romford, Ipswich, upper Coventry, Eccles, Padstow, Cheddar, Dairylea and Loch Ness and met many lovely sheep who thought I was funny and had great presents.

So I'm back (hooray), and I need to let you know what happened at our big meeting!!!

Basically we all decided that we weren't going to buy Bernard back as we all recounted our past experiences with him and remembered quite vividly how stupid and smelly he was. We all loved our great new goat Harold and had no wish to swap him back. So we drafted a letter to Farmer Jack saying something like "Dear Farmer Jack. We love Harold and don't want to see Bernard again even if he turns up out of nowhere, out of the blue." Des Duck wrote the letter as he had the best handwriting and he gets a bit funny if anyone else writes anything. Stupid duck.
We then had one of the best parties in living memory! I lived up to my nickname "Hot Hooves" as I shook my booty on the dance-floor. Everyone was well impressed with my depiction of The White Stripes doorbell ringing and my Beyonce bottom wobbling thing that she does. Lenny done his usual Britney number (which is getting a bit boring now, most people headed for the buffet at that point.)
And boy the food was great! We had a jokey turnip flavour to the whole thing with turnip pizzas, turnip sausages, turnip cakes, that sort of thing. We all had a toast to Bernard and three cheers to Harold and the last thing I remember was dressing up as Tarzan and Lenny was my monkey and we had a big fight with Nigel who pretended to be a crocodile.

I woke up in a hedge at four o'clock the next morning.

As for Fat Tony, me, Lenny and our mate Ginger the ninja dressed up as er..ninjas last night and sneaked up on him while he slept. We didn't need to be particularly quiet as his snoring was very loud and no other noises could be heard. We grabbed his stupid Swedish Turnip thingy and squashed it on his head (it was pretty squidgy and mouldy by then).

"Eat that you fat bogey!!" I think we shouted at him, then we run off with high fives flying all over the place and decided that was a job well done!!

14 comments:

Gertie said...

First things first. Sorry I couldn't make the party Derek, I had a backlog of Sudoku puzzles to write as I've been a bit lazy of late.
Secondly - YOU'RE ABANDONING BERNARD?? How heartless!! He may be smelly but he's a Turnip!! Who used to be a Goat! Any idea how dejected he's feeling at the moment? Why today when I brought him his...ER...YEAH HE'S UPSET!

Fat Tony said...

Am still recovering from having a turnip on my head.
But watch out everyone- I've still got plenty of cunning plans up my wing to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

BJØRN said...

nobody loves me (sniff!). All my friends have abandoned me. (sob.)
Just wait till I sell my story to the press!
TOP BEANO SHEEP IN TURNIP ABANDONMENT SHOCKER!

The Mole said...

How dare you mount rescue attempts before oi do!?! I wanted to be the hero! So you made a pigeon, a mole and Bjørn very sad. Never mind, since it looks like Gertie might have Bernard I'll have to invistigate and instigate a rescue...

the doctors assistant said...

hello! derek! This comment is from my latest adventure in Denmark!!! Me and the Mole are currently in Copenhagen! What Britney song does lenny dance to? I don't think Fat tony has followed us here...although you can never be to sure....

Molyan said...

Poor abandoned Bernard. Though I suppose you did 'Sometimes' find him annoying. So you're not going to 'Do Something' to get him back? That's 'Outrageous'. You never know, the whole experience might make him a 'Stronger' turnip. Let's just hope that he doesn't go 'Crazy'.

Anonymous said...

what presents did you get!!!??? or did you mean presence?

Paws said...

What?! You mean that my main man, Ginger, went with you to beat up Fat Tony?! So THAT'S the reason why he didn't return from Great Yarmouth. Why didn't he invite me along?! And why didn't he tell me that he was a ninja?! Just wait till he gets back.

So you dressed up as Tarzan and woke up in a hedge, Derek? Did there happen to be any al-key-hol in the punch? Eh? Naughty sheep!

Menaceman said...

I always wondered why there was a picture of you as Tarzan down the left hand side of this 'ere blog.

Doris Budgie said...

You may not remember the party in full, Derek, but I took some Polaroids. Must be worth some blackmail budgie seed...

The mole said...

blackmail, eh? That's a game oi likes, but oi prefers Mole-opoly, even if noone wants to play with me

tne doctors assistant said...

That's because you have to play Mole-opoly with worms and slugs instead of money, not evryone likes slimy creatures as much as you! AND you eat my counters when I'm not looking!!

The Mole said...

Oi doan't see why that's any object. You can't prove anything as to the counters and oi think you're ALL silly for not loiking worms and slugs. I also think the universe is tree-shaped, but that's another story......

Menaceman said...

Mole, I don't like slugs but if I see a worm slowly baking in the sun I usually try to pick it up and put it back in the grass. That's the kind of slug hatin' worm lovin' guy I am.