Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Flippin' 'eck!! Where's Bernard?

I was having a chat to my great new pal Harold and I mentioned Bernard the goat and how he'd turned into a turnip. Harold was keen to see him (not to eat him I hope!) so me and Lenny got out the box we keep him in under our secret bale of hay and BERNARD WAS GONE!!

The box was flippin' empty!! No one could remember the last time we'd looked inside. Lenny said it was maybe last Saturday or perhaps Thursday, he wasn't sure as he always gets those two mixed up. I definitely remember sticking in a bit of lettuce on Wednesday (he loved lettuce our Bernard), but I've been so busy the last few days I haven't even thought of looking to see if he was ok.
Harold noticed there was a spider in the box and gave him a right grilling! Turns out the spider only moved in yesterday and there weren't no goats there then. There was a bit of lettuce but he ate that. I thought spiders only ate flies and things? Who knows.

Then Lenny started shouting at the spider and pretty much accused him of eating Bernard.
"You've eaten Bernard you stupid insect!!" he screamed. That really upset the spider (spiders aren't insects apparently. They sure look like insects to me!), so he upped sticks and left in a right huff. His passing words were, "I'm moving back to Birmingham! It might have mad weather, but at least people treat me with RESPECT!".

I'm sure Birmingham's 300 miles away, which must be about a million miles in spider miles. I hope his legs wear out! Fancy eating our goat! Stupid spider.


Gertie said...

This may be completely unrelated but I was near your farm yesterday and I saw a Turnip floating in a river. *PURE SPECULATON* but could Bernard have got bored, rolled to the river for a swim and then get washed away?

Cecille the bee said...

Derek, and Lenny, you just have to take the fact that spiders aren't insects... I'm so sorry to tell you!!!

Cecille the bee said...

Why would a spider wan't to move to Birmingerham? And why eat Bernard? Why didn't he try to eat you, Derek... Much tastier!

MIKE DA HAT said...

Just how big was this spider? I Know sheep are not big on logic,, and I don't want to appear rude, but comparing the sizes an all.........was Bernard a particularly small turnip?

I have yet another theory. Bernard did a runner he left behind a turnip to fool you. He's probably laughing his hooves off at another farm somewhere. It's a thought.

Menaceman said...

Have you checked any scarecrows to make sure they haven't been given any new 'heads'?

Fat Tony said...

I'm sure Bernard will 'turnip' soon.

Anonymous said...

Prehaps farmer jack saw the turnip. thought "oo-ar nice turnip" and ate bernard. anyway i thought you hated bernard derek?