Merry Christmas readers!

Have a great Christmas readers and don't forget to pick up this week's Christmas edition of the Beano with my jolly little two-pager!
See you in the New Year!!!

Blimey eck.

Did you see this week's Derek's Corner in the Beano? I've pretty much taken over the letters page with lovely drawings of me. Didn't that cake look brilliant too?
The Beano ed has been telling me for a few weeks now how brilliant I am and how popular I'm getting with the readers. He's also been nagging me to go on more crazy adventures more frequently to quell the demand, as once a month just ain't enough for my loyal fans! In fact, if I don't pull my finger out, he's likely to come round and zap me with a cattle-prod to spur me into action.
So keep an eye out in the New Year sometime for a big mad serialised adventure which will blow the rest of the comic away!!
Trust me; it'll be nuttier than a bag full of nut flavoured monkeys, eating er.. nuts. Which in itself is a bit nuts.

Ta-ra Nobby.

Well Nobby finally said his goodbyes and toddled off to hibernate. It's all a bit sad really as he's a great laugh to have around and we're all going to miss him. He's got his playstation, complete works of Hellboy and a flask of hot cocoa, so I think he'll be happy. He's kipping under one of our hedges until about February then he'll be all wide awake and demanding ice-cream and ignoring Bert the Worm as per usual.

I'm glad Nobby don't eat worms as Bert is a good laugh too. Bert's impression of Harry Hill is a joy to behold. Bert's staying with us for Christmas as his mum has gone on holiday to Tenerife with her pals and Bert don't like flying. He was snapped up by a blackbird once, but fortunately he got dropped (I think the blackbird saw a fatter worm, either that or Bert tasted funny), but I think it's left Bert mentally scarred.

By the way, did you notice this blog is one year old round about now?! Cor, don't alot happen in one year? It seemed like only yesterday it was only two weeks till Christmas.

Christmas 2004 that is.

Say Box!!!

Panic over! I've found a new one called Say Box which lets me ban all nasties that come my way. Hooray! Now if only blogger was working properly, I could see if it's working or not...

Shoutbox shouts last shout...

Unfortunately, due to er.. technical difficulties, I've taken the shoutbox off. Oh well. I did love my shoutbox, and it proved very popular with friends and fans alike, but it became a bit of a burden having to check it every 5 minutes in case spam etc. turned up, and I'm a busy sheep!!

When a spare hour or so in my diary turns up, I'll figure out a proper messageboard for you all to continue our chin-wags. Whatever they are!

Another brilliant piece of fan art!

Sheldon Goodman (owner of Gertie the fish) has drawn this splendid picture of me losing in a "drink a pint of cola" battle with blog regulars Gertie and Fat Tony. I say splendid, but obviously it's a bit gross, but brilliantly drawn! And coloured!

I would print it out and put it on my wall, but it's a picture of snot flying out of my nostrils and i wouldn't want to frighten my granny.

The perfect Christmas album

We're trying to decide which christmas album to buy for when we put up the christmas tree.
I'm a bit partial to lovely Church choir type of things, whereas Cecil seems to favour The Chipmunks squeeky voice nonsense. Well, they do actually sound a bit like Cecil, so it's understandable.
But we're all a bit worried about Lenny. He's getting quite hot under the collar and insists we get David Hasselhoff's "The Night Before Christmas", which is frankly frightening. Although, it's worth getting just to admire that amazing golden, sprawling signature that's splattered all over the cover!

Any other recommendations?

Big Cecil!

Check out this cool pic sent in by Menaceman!!

I don't ever remember Cecil being that big, but it must've happened 'cos there it is in full glorious colour!
Nice one Menaceman, if we ever need an artist to take over when the usual one goes on another holiday to Papua New Guinea, we know who to ask!

My classical recommendations

I've decided to listen to classical music to improve my intelligence and further my standing amongst my fellow farmyard colleagues. See, it's working already, check out all the long words I'm using.

I'm borrowing classical cd's from the local library bus, and this week I've decided to listen to Mozart, mainly because his first name is "Wolfgang" which is brilliant. Imagine being named after a horde of savage animals? To get in the mood, I'm calling myself "vulturevillains", which probably isn't as posh sounding as Wolfgang, but it's very similar in style.

First I listened to "FigRoll" which is an opera. I'm not sure what what it was all about as there was alot of yodelling and screeching like cats. After the first five minutes, I fell asleep and had the most amazing dream I was being chased by a large melon. Whether that had anything to do with Mozart, I wouldn't know.
Then I listened to Symphony no 41, also called "Jupiter". I love planets as you all know, so I was well looking forward to this one. Unfortunately I completely missed this one too as Neighbours was on, and I'm still in shock at the return of Joe Mangel.
I'm sure it was brilliant though and recommend it to all my readers. Not Neighbours, Mozart's 41st Symphony.

I was going to listen to one of his other symphonies, but it was called "unfinished", so I thought, well, if he can't be bothered to finish it, I ain't gonna bother to start it. So I threw it over the hedge and let's hope it landed in a cowpat.

Next week, Beethoven.

Fog

Bit foggy last night. Ended up in a cowshed. And then in a cowpat.

Christmas is coming!!!

...And it's about time you all started thinking about buying Christmas cards for all your chums!
Well check out this beauty....


It's about 14cm wide and 10cm tall, and it's a particularly unflattering picture Bernard took of me last year and reckoned it would make a brilliant Christmas card. And seeing as everyone round 'ere seems to agree, we've decided to set up business with that bloke who sells them lovely T-shirts of me, and flog 'em for 80p each or 5 for £3.20 (postage free! We're so generous). I think that works out a bit cheaper, but I'm not sure.

Here it is in close up!

If you want any, then just write out a cheque or postal order to Gary Northfield and send to the usual address of:

Gary Northfield
Agent to Derek the Sheep Esq.
5 Cromwell Road
London
SW7 2HR

And we'll post 'em to you as quick as a flash!

And what about the conkers you ask? Well, it all ended rather horribly I have to say. It was me and Baz in the final (why always him?) and there he was telling me how he was going to smash my conker to a pulp and he gave his great monster a big swing... I was too frightened to look and hid me face. There was an almight SQUISH as his conker exploded into a big yellow splat!! We were all covered in egg, although Baz copped most of it, as he'd missed my conker and smacked himself in the chops.

Turns out Cecil's cousin George has suspected Baz was upto no good and had gotten Mad Nigel to confess all by giving him one of them new Cadbury Turkish Delights (they are lovely, but if I eat more than three in one go, I tend to go a bit loopy and run around the field frothing at the mouth. Where's the "delight" in that?)
Anyway, it seems Baz had been using a painted hard boiled egg for a conker, like a really old one that had been in the oven for twenty years or something. So George just swapped it for fresh one, painted up exactly like the real thing. It was too simple really, a bit like Baz! Hahahaha.

So I won, but it was an empty win as I didn't really do anything. I'm sticking to Top Trumps, it's far less stupid than conkers.
When are they gonna bring out a top trumps of me? THAT'S what I want to know.

George smashed!

The conker competition has taken a very unexpected turn. We had to postpone it last week due to my Beano/fame commitments, i.e. I had to open a new pet shop in Swindon and then I had to go on a fun run to raise money for dyslexic hedgehogs.
Crumbs I hate running. Running's for fools who enjoy pain. And I was surrounded by 'em. Well I was for about 2 minutes at the beginning then I sort of got left behind.
But it was for a good cause and we had alot of happy hedgehogs everywhere, eating ice creams mainly. You know, I've never actually seen a hedgehog eat a worm. Bert worm says he's only ever had good times with hedgehogs and never had the occasion to run for his life from one. So I reckon it's one of them "Urban Mists" or whatever.

Anyway! Conkers!!
I'm still beating all those who dare come near me with my King Kong-ker (do you see what I did there? I'm not calling it Big Bertha anymore as that's a girls name. It's now "King Kong-ker". You're allowed to copy me and call your conkers the same.)

Big Baz destroyed Lenny as expected. Somehow Lenny turned up with a conker more like a big raisin, which was no use to man nor beast. He said he soaked it in vinegar to make it go hard, but it just made it go soggy. Bit like his brain.

The big shock was the defeat of Cecil's cousin George. George loves competitions as many of you will remember. And when it comes to conkers George is the bee to beat all-comers. He's the South yorkshire Conker reigning champion and no one has beat him. But it took one thwack from Big Baz's "Little Baz" and it was smashed to smithereens!!



George was so upset, he didn't speak to no-one. He took the train home and ain't been heard of since. Cecil said his mobile was switched off too.

George is normally a fair player as well, and he ain't never a sore loser ever. What upset him was the fact that his conker was recently declared the Toughest Conker in Britain by the "Guiness Book Of Records". So how comes it was smashed to billions of little pieces??

Seeing as Big Baz was involved, you KNOW that foul play is just around the corner.

We're watching you Big Baz...

Bazzer the basher

Big Baz has been doing pretty well with his own conker this week. He calls it "Little Baz", which is mildly stupid.
He smashed up Herman Chicken's conker to smithereens. Herman was very upset and cried.
Baz just laughed of course. He then broke in half Des Duck's lucky conker his dad gave him when he was born. Baz actually put it in his mouth and cracked it with his teeth. We all shouted it was cheating, so Baz apologised and gave Des his conker back, what was left of it, and said, "lets play properly then!". Of course you can't play conkers with two smashed up halves, so Des was not a happy duck I can tell you.
Then he was up against Cecil, but he accidently bashed Cecil on the head, saying that Cecil looked a bit like a conker really. I'll have to agree with Baz there, Cecil is very conker-like and really ought not to have gotten involved.

So, he's up against Lenny tomorrow. That should be a laugh. Lenny's only just moved on from playing tiddly winks and wouldn't know how to lob a conker if it hit him in his face. Whatever that means.
Good luck Lenny! Not.

The world's first Derek The Sheep T-Shirt!!!

Well, if it isn't the greatest t-shirt in the whole world! And you can buy it now!!


This splendid garment will tell the world what a refined taste in hilarious comic-strips you have and you will be the centre of attention at any party! Not only that, but the azure blue greatly enhances the good looks of all those fortunate enough to wear it.
Check out this dude!

This snazzy piece will set you back the very small price of £12 + £2 postage.

Available in the children sizes YS (i.e.Young Small), YM, YL and the adult sizes S, M, L, XL.
We only have a limited supply at the moment and delivery will be anything upto 3 weeks depending on stock levels, so get those orders in fast!

Payment can be by cheque or postal order. Please make payable to:
Gary Northfield.

Address all orders to:

Gary Northfield
5 Cromwell Road
London
SW7 2HR

(Hopefully, once I've figured it out, I'll also be able to take PayPal payments, but that won't be for a little while yet.)


And of course, don't forget to rush out and buy this week's Beano, my greatest story EVER is in there! Really, it's brilliant.

Big thanks to Thomas Fry and his mum Rebecca Fry for delivering a such fantastic photo!

Derek the Conkererer!

Well, it's conker season as you all well know, and we all love competitions round here and we're having a BIG conker "Conk-Out" all this week.
Of course I'm the best at conkers in the entire world and I was interviewed on local TV once for being so great.
In fact I still have the same conker from all those years ago and it's called Big Bertha, after my Auntie Bertha who sort of looked like a conker actually. It's never let me down and I've smashed up a total of 92 conkers, 28 acorns, 16 old baked beans and some eggs.

I am the Champ!!!

So bring it on!


Bert Worm admires "Big Bertha".

Banana spider madness!!!

I bought some bananas today. I love bananas me and so does everyone else. Except, when I peeled mine open a mad spider jumped out!!! Flippin' flip it made me jump. We were all a bit scared to begin with, as you hear all these mad stories where they bite you and your legs fall off, or something.
But just as we were just about to splat him with a slipper (Bernard wears slippers!! Hahaha!!), he pulled out a little banjo and played a lovely little tune about a jolly trip up the Amazon river. Must be where they have the factory with all them books.

Boy what a laugh he turned out to be! He got us all dancing the samba and everything. He's right keen on that banjo mind; he can out-fret Liberty X any day.
He then showed us how to cook fajitas on the barbeque. They were sizzling.

To be honest, we didn't have a clue what he was whittering on about in his funny little language. He tried to tell us what his name is, but we all ended up with sore throats, so we decided to call him "Senor Banana".
And he seemed to like that!

Tee Shirts

I've decided, seeing as it's winter and everything, now's the time to make some T-shirts! Well they always put the heating right up in the barn, so I wear t-shirts more in the winter than the summer anyway.
Here's a sneak preview, what do you think? It won't be available for a couple of weeks yet, but I thought I 'd tease you a bit.

Drumroll please.....

We have our two lucky Beano Annual winners!

It was a very tough quiz, as you all quite helpfully told me, and it's pretty obvious many of you had missed some of my earlier, legendary adventures. Quite a surprising high amount of entrants got half the answers correctly, but we had one clever reader who answered nearly two thirds of the questions correctly and one amazingly devoted Derek fan who only got one answer wrong!
And so..
The runner-up, with 9 glorious points....

Alistair Stuart! AKA Menaceman. Well done Alistair! I think you had a feeling you were pretty close, we could hear your nail-biting from here!

And the winner, with a stupendous 14 correct answers! 14!


........

********JON SOUTH, from Berkshire!!!!!!*********


Many congratulations to both Jon and Alistair, worthy winners I think you'll agree, considering how stupidly difficult I made the questions...

A signed Beano 2006 will be darkening your doors very soon.

Thank you to all those who took part! It was fun (sort of), but fear not, the next competition coming up very soon will be EASY PEASY!!
So here are the correct answers:

Question 1
In my very first adventure, what was guarding the bridge stopping everyone getting to the other side?

b) A fire-breathing troll


Question 2
In the story "Field of Dreams" (issue 3227 may 22nd 2004), me and my mate Lizzie escape from Farmer Jack on a tractor. Why was he chasing us?

c) We'd eaten his prize apples


Question 3
In "Getting the wind up" (issue 3231 June 19th 2004), I had a fight with a stupid squirrel. What was he trying to watch on the T.V.?

d) Britney Spear's latest video


Question 4
I had a lovely snowy story in "No Business like snow business" back in December 2004 (issue 3256), but what did me and the gang use for a sledge?

b) The barn door


Question 5
I had a load of flies hanging around my backside getting on my nerves in issue 3236, July 24th 2004. What did I use as a long tail to give 'em a good whacking?

d) a bullrush

Question 6
Cecil and his stupid cousin George completely ruined my chances of winning "Best Farmyard Haircut 2005" in "Bad Hair Day" (iss. 3262, Jan 22 2005), but George loved competitions; what did he win just the week before?

c) A bubblegum blowing contest


Question 7
Who turned up for the first time in issue 3252 November 13th 2004, desperate to be my friend, but ending up getting me in big trouble?


b) Cecil

Question 8
In "It's an Ill Wind", (3240 August 2004), I somehow got loads of crisps stuck in my eyes; what did Lenny throw in my face to wash them out with?

a) Baked beans


Question 9
We came face to face with a stupid leprechaun in issue 3245 (sept 25th 2004), but he wasn't actually from Ireland! Where was he from?

c) Barnsley


Question 10
Farmer Jack made us all wear annoying bells round our necks in issue 3266 (Feb 19th 2005). What was the punishment if we took them off?

a) Wash all 28 of his dirty tractors


Question 11
In issue 3270 (Mar 19th 2005) we had a great game of football, but who didn't like being a goalpost and walked off in a sulk?

c) Kevin the rabbit


Question 12
In last years Christmas issue all us sheep were auditioning for a part in the nativity play. What was Lenny's act that left the judges unimpressed?

c) Juggling eggs


Question 13
I had a painful bunion on my foot in issue 3274 (April 16th 2005). Cecil had a new birthday present which really got on my nerves; what was it?


b) A guitar


Question 14
I was unhappy at being mistaken for Lenny in issue 3286 (July 9th 2005), what did Cecil dress me up as to make me look different?


d) A Mongolian Hairy Moose

Question 15
Last month, issue 3290, we met Big Baz for the first time, but who knocked all his teeth out?

a) Doris, Cecil's sister

And the winner is...

Ooh. I'm not saying.

I'll tell you Friday! Hahaha!

Here's a picture of me as Super Derek, from prolific Derek scribbler Menaceman while you bite yer nails...

I'm back!!

Hello! Apologies for the very quiet blog the last week or so; me 'n' the lads have been on holiday!
I took Lenny, Cecil and Nobby to visit my lovely relatives in Wales and boy what a grand time we had! Cecil made friends with everybody (as usual), even my Uncle Jack, the hairiest sheep in Wales, and Jack don't like bees normally. But they were the bestest of mates by the time we had to leave and it was a very tearful farewell and Jack even gave Cecil a fiver to buy some sweets (Jack's never given ME a fiver before!).

Lenny made friends with all my mum's pals in the tea shop, gossipping about the local goings on; apparently the peas served with the carvery at the Red Lion are tinned peas, Can you believe it?
I know, it don't mean nothing to me neither, but they were all in a tizz about it nonetheless. I quite like tinned peas myself.
I also think Lenny's put on two stone from all the tea and cake he's been shovelling down his gob too, but he disagreed obviously, until he put on his dancing trousers and they ripped RIGHT up his backside!!! What a fat blob!

Nobby played with my cousin Benny most of the week. Benny is just a little lamb and is probably about the same age as Nobby and a right couple of scamps they were too.
They played football most of the time and pretty much destroyed Uncle Jack's prize petunias and broadbean plant things. He weren't too pleased and I think it's safe to say that Nobby didn't get no fiver to buy a bag of sweets!

And me? I just just sat on the sofa watching DVDs. It was bliss!
It was bliss considering the amount of work I've got coming up in the next few weeks.

And I thought a monthly comicstrip was hard work...


Anyway, here's a great picture of me as a brilliant ninja, as sent in by regular blog reader The Thing! (Ain't he in the Fantastic Four?)



Cheers Thing. There's a sketch winging it's way to you next week. (All drawings receive a free sketch of me to put on your mantlepiece!)

Quiz time!! Big prizes!!!

Oh yes! As promised here is a fantastic quiz to test the knowledge of even the most hardened Derek the Sheep fan!

Up for grabs is not one, but two Beano 2006 Annuals signed by me (Derek), Cecil, Lenny, Nobby, Bernard and some bloke called Gary Northfield (I think he clears out the manure or something, no one seems to know).

So, two lucky people will be running away with this highly sought-after treasure, purely by knowing what I've been upto in the Beano the last 18 months or so.

It's a multiple-choice quiz to give you a vague chance, just in case you might have missed the odd issue, we are kindly folk after all. If by any chance there's a draw with three or more people getting the highest correct answers, then all winning names will be put into a hat, under strict supervision by an independant adjudicator (Trevor Duck has volunteered. He's got a moustache and we decided he looked the most important), and the winners names will be pulled out of the hat thereof. We'll show photos of the hat-picking to prove we weren't cheating! Runners-up in a tie will get a sketch anyway to make up for any disappointment and to stop yer blubbering.
All decisions are final.

All entries must be emailed to me at dereksheep@yahoo.co.uk by Sunday October 9th 2005 midnight BST. And no putting it on ebay the next day! This amazing prize will be something to show off to your grandchildren in one hundred years time, when you're living on the moon or something.

here goes!

Good luck!!


Question 1
In my very first adventure, what was guarding the bridge stopping everyone getting to the other side?

a) A smelly tractor
b) A fire-breathing troll
c) A very angry bull
d) a nasty big wasp


Question 2
In the story "Field of Dreams" (issue 3227 may 22nd 2004), me and my mate Lizzie escape from Farmer Jack on a tractor. Why was he chasing us?

a) We'd blown up his favourite shed
b) We'd eaten his underpants
c) We'd eaten his prize apples
d) He wanted to sell us for magic beans



Question 3
In "Getting the wind up" (issue 3231 June 19th 2004), I had a fight with a stupid squirrel. What was he trying to watch on the T.V.?

a) Wildlife On One
b) Blue Peter
c) Can't Cook, Won't Cook
d) Britney Spear's latest video


Question 4
I had a lovely snowy story in "No Business like snow business" back in December 2004 (issue 3256), but what did me and the gang use for a sledge?

a) A big fat cow
b) The barn door
c) Lots of cowpats tied together
d) An old boat


Question 5
I had a load of flies hanging around my backside getting on my nerves in issue 3236, July 24th 2004. What did I use as a long tail to give 'em a good whacking?

a) A broom
b) A welly
c) Some old rope
d) a bullrush

Question 6
Cecil and his stupid cousin George completely ruined my chances of winning "Best Farmyard Haircut 2005" in "Bad Hair Day" (iss. 3262, Jan 22 2005), but George loved competitions; what did he win just the week before?

a) Essex County champion spelling bee
b) Loveliest Legs, Margate
c) A bubblegum blowing contest
d) Hotdog eating championship


Question 7
Who turned up for the first time in issue 3252 November 13th 2004, desperate to be my friend, but ending up getting me in big trouble?

a) Lenny
b) Cecil
c) Nobby
d) Bernard


Question 8
In "It's an Ill Wind", (3240 August 2004), I somehow got loads of crisps stuck in my eyes; what did Lenny throw in my face to wash them out with?

a) Baked beans
b) Washing up liquid
c) A cup of tea
d) Sheep dip


Question 9
We came face to face with a stupid leprechaun in issue 3245 (sept 25th 2004), but he wasn't actually from Ireland! Where was he from?

a) Luton Airport
b) Romford, Essex
c) Barnsley
d) Loch Ness


Question 10
Farmer Jack made us all wear annoying bells round our necks in issue 3266 (Feb 19th 2005). What was the punishment if we took them off?

a) Wash all 28 of his dirty tractors
b) Milk the cows with our bare hands
c) Cross country running in the pouring rain
d) Wash his dirty underwear


Question 11
In issue 3270 (Mar 19th 2005) we had a great game of football, but who didn't like being a goalpost and walked off in a sulk?

a) Lenny
b) Ernie the horse
c) Kevin the rabbit
d) Nobby the hedgehog

Question 12
In last years Christmas issue all us sheep were auditioning for a part in the nativity play. What was Lenny's act that left the judges unimpressed?

a) Cowpat spinning
b) Doing his Britney Spears dance
c) Juggling eggs
d) Jumping through fiery hoops. Backwards. On a motorbike.

Question 13
I had a painful bunion on my foot in issue 3274 (April 16th 2005). Cecil had a new birthday present which really got on my nerves; what was it?

a) A trumpet
b) A guitar
c) Karaoke machine
d) A singing fish

Question 14
I was unhappy at being mistaken for Lenny in issue 3286 (July 9th 2005), what did Cecil dress me up as to make me look different?

a) An Outer Hebrides Yeti
b) A Hungarian Big Eared Llama
c) A Chinese Night Wombat
d) A Mongolian Hairy Moose

Question 15
Last month, issue 3290, we met Big Baz for the first time, but who knocked all his teeth out?

a) Doris, Cecil's sister
b) Eric the really big horse
c) Nutty Nigel
d) Farmer Jack


And that's it!! Just write your answers like this "Q1 - A" or something. you don't have rewrite the whole questions.

good luck!

Gammy leg

As some of my chums already know, I hurt my hoof playing football last week. it was a cracking tackle and had I not been stretchered off, I would certainly have been "Sheep of the Match". Instead Mad Nigel won that particular prize for scoring what can only be described as a "bum goal" as the ball bounced off his behind when he was standing talking to Lenny about the power of his "magic eyeballs" (apparently he can make traffic lights turn green if he stares long enough at them. Very useful).

Anyway, I'm currently a completely grumpy git (see my bunion story from a few months ago for a strangely similar situation). I also attempted to upload the Beano Annual 2006 quiz with big long complicated questions based on lovely old me, but then my computer crashed and all was lost. I then took the computer and threw it out of the window. Which was a bit stupid, as I then had to buy another one from Bernard "dodgy geezer" the goat. Lenny wasn't happy either, as he was bidding on a pair of maracas on ebay yesterday and he unfortunately lost the auction in the end by 50p.
Ha ha ha.

So the quiz will turn up tomorrow and there will be TWO annuals up for grabs to make up for the slight delay!

Ain't I the loveliest sheep you ever met?



Hello?

Hooray!

Another month, another lovely Beano adventure!
An absolute loony cracker of a story this month, with a tree pixie, ants in perms and the return of Bernard the goat! You'll laugh yer pants off. Lenny did.


A big thank you too to all my loyal fans who have apparently been voting for me in the latest readers poll in the Beano even though my name wasn't listed!!! How cool is that? You're all stars. in fact the Ed. was so chuffed (and he thinks my adventures are so hilarious), that there maybe changes afoot. Watch this space...

In other news, the bloke who signs his name at the bottom of each of my brilliant stories, Gary Northfield, will be putting in an appearance at the Comic Expo in Brighton on November the 19th and 20th. So if you're about then toddle along to say hello and get your free Derek the Sheep sketch! There are vague plans for Derek goodies to sell, so watch this website for further updates.

Happy days!

today I wrote a song.

I wrote a lovely song called "Stupid Spiders, You Smell". You know when a tune gets stuck in your head and it just won't go? I was chewing the grass in the field and the rhythm of my teeth grinding got this little tune going in my head.
A stupid spider annoyed me this morning by putting a cobweb right in the doorway of the barn, which I walked straight into. He shouted at me about destroying his new home and that I was an imbecile (big word for a spider), but what does he expect building a web in such a stupid place?

So anyway, my song goes like this (think Slipknot/Girls Aloud):

Flippin' stinky spider,
You're flippin' ugly too,
Why don't you buzz off,
Or I'll flush you down the loo.

(chorus)
You think you're so clever,
You think you're really bad,
But really, you're just stinky,
And you're really, really sad.
You ain't got no flies,
And you ain't got no friends,
Spiders are so smelly,
You just drive me round the bend.

You smell of greasy onions,
you've got lots of stinky feet,
you're breath makes the hair fall out of every girl you meet.

(chorus)
You think you're so clever,
You think you're really bad,
But really, you're just stinky,
And you're really, really sad.
You ain't got no flies,
And you ain't got no friends,
Spiders are so smelly,
You just drive me round the bend!!

++++Guitar solo from Kevin rabbit++++

Stupid smelly spider,
Leave my barn and go,
Take your stinky armpits,
You're the grottiest that I know!

(chorus)
You think you're so clever,
You think you're really bad,
But really, you're just stinky,
And you're really, really sad.
You ain't got no flies,
And you ain't got no friends,
Spiders are so smelly,
You just drive me round the bend!!!

I think it's a work of genius and should be number one for Christmas.

Lenny says I'm a plank.

Guess who's just turned up on a magic carpet!

There we all were having a lovely sunbathe on what is possibly the hottest day ever in history, when a magical rainbow appeared in the sky in a brilliant cloud of twinkling golden stardust. And through this cloud flew a beautiful blue and gold magic carpet upon which sat two mysterious figures.

We couldn't believe our eyes when the carpet landed softly on the grass next to Lenny, for there sitting as if it was just another day on the farm was Bernard the Flippin' Goat!!! And sitting next to him was that funny little Leprechaun-thingy! You know, the one who turned us all into turnips!

Unbelievable!!

You don't see something like that too often and after everything we've been through, we had to pinch ourselves to make sure we weren't dreaming. Well, I actually pinched Lenny and he screamed so loud (like a little girly, might I add) that it had to be real.

But before we could say "Flippin' eck, where've you been ya stupid goat?", the leprythingy ran over to Harold the Goat and zapped him with his magic lightning!

"What are you doing?" I shouted, "Harold's lovely, leave him alone!".

"'E ain't lovely, begorrah! He be a wickid shape-changing goblin, so he be!" Said the leprechaun.

"You still trying to do that Irish accent?" I asked, "It's rubbish. I'd give up mate".

But he was right! Harold WAS a goblin. A really ugly evil goblin and the Irish fellow had magicked him back to his real self.



"E was going to eat you lot right up! It was him, disguised as me, who turned you into turnips in the first place. I wouldn't do no such trick!
He was going to eat you all up as turnips, but was foiled when his magic faded quicker than expected. He couldn't eat Bernard as you'd hidden him well; but not from me!"

"I'd heard what had happened and came and rescued Bernard, while this 'ere goblin was masquerading as Harold the goat, working on a new plan to gobble you all up. He was worming his way into your lives and befriending you and then when you were sleeping he was going to Scoff you all!!"


Flippin' flip. The world has finally gone mad.
"Is this true, Harold?" I looked him in the eye, "Were you really going to eat us?"

The stupid goblin looked at me right back. "Too blummin' right!" He spluttered, "I was just working on a new spell to turn you all into sausages for tomorrow's breakfast. It would have been lovely! Mmm.."

"Don't you worry about him," said the leprechaun, "I'm taking him back to my castle and throwing him into a dungeon! He won't be turning anybody into sausages for a long time!"

He grabbed harold the goblin, threw him on his carpet and off they flew, over the rainbow and into the distant clouds.

All jaws were dropped.

Sausages. He was going to turn us into sausages and eat us. What a horrible goat. And to think I gave him my copy of Britney Spears Greatest Hits album. The rotter.

Well, it was nice to see Bernard restored to his old self. That leprechaun apparently took him on many amazing adventures to mysterious lands looking for the spell to put him right, but it all sounds so boring when Bernard tells a story, I fell asleep while he was still telling us about his exploits as a turnip in a box.

We gave him a big pair of pants to eat though, and he was so grateful; he hadn't eaten a pair of underpants in three months and was starting to lose his mind he reckoned.

Good old Bernard.

Buy the new Beano Annual!!

Oh yes! I picked up my copy at the local newsagent (they were doing "buy one get one free", so I bought the Dandy Annual too), and I'm so excited as it's my first appearance in the hallowed pages of the Beano Annual. Flippin' 'eck what a cracker it is too as I come face to face with a right nasty character who don't seem to like sheep very much! And don't forget to look out for a very special feature too....

Of course, you might want to wait a bit, as next week I'm running a special "Know Your Derek the Sheep" quiz, with a signed 2006 Beano Annual up for grabs!

Get swotting!!

I am a ninja!!

First an apology. You've probably noticed my little diary has been a bit quiet the last few weeks. Being in the Beano on a regular basis has made me pretty famous and I've become very popular on the after-dinner speech circuit. I've actually been doing a tour of sheep barns enrapturing audiences. (I learnt the word "enrapturing" the other day off a very brainy rabbit. Apparently my eyeballs are "enrapturing", and I was completely hooked thereafter. Isn't it brilliant? I'll be using it much more often from now on to impress my mates.)

Anyway, I've toured the barns of London, Hemsby, Romford, Ipswich, upper Coventry, Eccles, Padstow, Cheddar, Dairylea and Loch Ness and met many lovely sheep who thought I was funny and had great presents.

So I'm back (hooray), and I need to let you know what happened at our big meeting!!!

Basically we all decided that we weren't going to buy Bernard back as we all recounted our past experiences with him and remembered quite vividly how stupid and smelly he was. We all loved our great new goat Harold and had no wish to swap him back. So we drafted a letter to Farmer Jack saying something like "Dear Farmer Jack. We love Harold and don't want to see Bernard again even if he turns up out of nowhere, out of the blue." Des Duck wrote the letter as he had the best handwriting and he gets a bit funny if anyone else writes anything. Stupid duck.
We then had one of the best parties in living memory! I lived up to my nickname "Hot Hooves" as I shook my booty on the dance-floor. Everyone was well impressed with my depiction of The White Stripes doorbell ringing and my Beyonce bottom wobbling thing that she does. Lenny done his usual Britney number (which is getting a bit boring now, most people headed for the buffet at that point.)
And boy the food was great! We had a jokey turnip flavour to the whole thing with turnip pizzas, turnip sausages, turnip cakes, that sort of thing. We all had a toast to Bernard and three cheers to Harold and the last thing I remember was dressing up as Tarzan and Lenny was my monkey and we had a big fight with Nigel who pretended to be a crocodile.

I woke up in a hedge at four o'clock the next morning.

As for Fat Tony, me, Lenny and our mate Ginger the ninja dressed up as er..ninjas last night and sneaked up on him while he slept. We didn't need to be particularly quiet as his snoring was very loud and no other noises could be heard. We grabbed his stupid Swedish Turnip thingy and squashed it on his head (it was pretty squidgy and mouldy by then).

"Eat that you fat bogey!!" I think we shouted at him, then we run off with high fives flying all over the place and decided that was a job well done!!

Bum note

Well here's that ransom note everyone's been speculating about. I was meant to put it on here a couple of days ago, but it blew away in the wind. Fortunately Chris sparrow found it up his tree a couple of fields away this morning.

What do you think? Is it genuine? I'm not even sure it looks like Bernard myself, it looks more like King Charles the First with that silly haircut. Unless of course Bernard's been roughed up and he's let his hair go a bit. He always looked after his curly locks that Bernard, you rarely found him far away from a bottle of shampoo and conditioner. Or pants.

I have my suspicions and I reckon a certain pigeon is having me on. Anyway £1000 is a lot of money for a turnip, or even a goat and we've got Harold now anyway, so we're not likely to cough up that sort of cash.

we're having a big meeting tomorrow in the barn to see what we can do. I'll let you know the outcome. I like meetings, we always end up having a brilliant disco after with a finger buffet.

Uh oh...

Worrying development in the search for Bernard saga...

I think he's been kidnapped....

More news tomorrow.

Meanwhile, here's a picture of Bernard as he's fondly remembered.. scoffing a pair of old underpants.

Have you seen me???

Well, here's a poster to help find Bernard. We've put it up all around the farm, so let's hope he turns up!
Thanks for the idea Molyan! You're a genius.

If this don't work, nothing will.

Oops!

Blimey! Me and the gang have been so busy trying to figure out what happened to Bernard, that I forgot to tell you to rush out and buy this week's Beano!!!
I'm in it!! The story is brilliant as usual and introduces no less than THREE new characters; Doris the Bee, Cecil's sister; Big Baz, the farm bully and Mad Nigel his stupid mate.
Check out the colouring too which is all down to me and Lenny. Isn't it sparkly and lovely? You wait till you see next month's! You'll need to wear sunglasses cos the colouring is so zingy.

Bernard update: There was a turnip seen rolling about on a bus last tuesday, as spotted by Reggie Bull. He nearly ate it too, but he says he doesn't eat food that's been on the floor (Which isn't true. I've seen him eat a jelly tot that was lying on the road once. What a pig).

Flippin' 'eck!! Where's Bernard?

I was having a chat to my great new pal Harold and I mentioned Bernard the goat and how he'd turned into a turnip. Harold was keen to see him (not to eat him I hope!) so me and Lenny got out the box we keep him in under our secret bale of hay and BERNARD WAS GONE!!

The box was flippin' empty!! No one could remember the last time we'd looked inside. Lenny said it was maybe last Saturday or perhaps Thursday, he wasn't sure as he always gets those two mixed up. I definitely remember sticking in a bit of lettuce on Wednesday (he loved lettuce our Bernard), but I've been so busy the last few days I haven't even thought of looking to see if he was ok.
Harold noticed there was a spider in the box and gave him a right grilling! Turns out the spider only moved in yesterday and there weren't no goats there then. There was a bit of lettuce but he ate that. I thought spiders only ate flies and things? Who knows.

Then Lenny started shouting at the spider and pretty much accused him of eating Bernard.
"You've eaten Bernard you stupid insect!!" he screamed. That really upset the spider (spiders aren't insects apparently. They sure look like insects to me!), so he upped sticks and left in a right huff. His passing words were, "I'm moving back to Birmingham! It might have mad weather, but at least people treat me with RESPECT!".

I'm sure Birmingham's 300 miles away, which must be about a million miles in spider miles. I hope his legs wear out! Fancy eating our goat! Stupid spider.

New Story

Had a bit of a shock to see I'm in next week's Beano. I was only in there a couple of weeks ago! Blimey, I'll be in there weekly at this rate.
Here's a sneaky look at Cecil's sister Doris (no relation to Fat Tony's girlfriend).

Me and my pal Harold

I must say Harold has turned out to be a lovely bloke. It's nice to actually have a conversation with someone on an interlectrical level the same as me.
You know, I've often found myself stood in my field desperate for conversation about the latest poetry, or maybe discuss the finer details of Rolf Harris' latest masterpiece in oil. But all the conversations round 'ere tend to be about cowpats, ducks, the way the wind blows one way and then the other or "do worms have eyes?".
Me and Harold had a lovely chat about steam trains yesterday. I've never seen a steam train, or even heard of one before yesterday, but I successfully pretended to Harold that I'd written a book on "Steam Trains Through the Centuries". He was most curious about my "knowledge" of the early steam trains used by Roman armies in 300BC and how they'd used them to carry lots of soldiers around and conquer the world. little did he know that I'd made up every word. He wants to see a copy, so I'll have to get scribbling.

We also discussed the shapes of clouds and how they might possibly be real animals that roam the skies looking for food (aeroplanes?). A frightening thought. You won't get me on one of them planes now!!

Lenny tried to join in, but how can you take anyone seriously when they've got half a jam doughnut plastered all over his gob? I don't think Harold likes Lenny "he's a bit of a plank" was his words. And you know what, I think I agree!

King Harold

Apparently Harold is a very rare goat, so he says. Something about his family being bred especially for King Louis the 14th of France or something, back in the late 1600s. Seems King Louis was partial to chocolate milkshakes made with the finest goats milk.
I wasn't too impressed myself, but now Lenny's got everyone bowing everytime Harold walks past. "It ain't often you see royalty round these parts" says Lenny, and Harold is loving every bit of it.

He reckons his family escaped the French Revolution and fled on a boat over to Dover and they were hidden secretly away by a kindly farmer. Why would anyone be interested in arresting a stupid goat anyway?? All sounds suspicious to me. Then Harold showed us his secret locket which he hangs around his neck. Inside is the old toenail of his great-great-great grandfather who came over from France. Could've been any old manky toenail really, but everyone "oohed" and "aahed" all the same. Believe anything that lot.
I showed them my tonsils which I keep in a jar and told them it was King Henry the 8th's pet kippers found hidden under the stairs of the Tower of London in 1972. And they believed that too!!

What a bunch of bananas.

Harold the Goat

Do you remember Bernard the goat? You know annoying bearded thing that eats everything from underpants to old newspapers? Well regular readers will know that Bernard is now a turnip and we keep him in a box to make sure no one eats him. Cos, like you know one day he might grow back into a goat again. Stranger things have happened at sea.

Well anyway, Farmer Jack's gone and bought another goat on the assumption that Bernard's run off somewhere and ain't coming back (It's a fair assumption. Bob Chicken did try and tell Farmer Jack that Bernard's a turnip nowadays, but I think that all that Farmer Jack heard was "Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck.", 'cos he don't speak chicken.).

So this new goat; Harold is his name and nobody likes him one bit!! He struts about like he owns the place, shouting orders at the ducks; telling Larry the horse all about the ways and wherefores of growing vegetables; nagging the cows about all their cowpats everywhere. And he's SO BORING!!! He don't stop yapping!!! Rabbitting on about clouds in the sky, how aeroplanes fly (actually that was quite interesting), telling me I should walk with a better posture otherwise I'll end up bow-legged in my old age. Flippin' cheek. He still eats underpants though, so that's a plus. But, blimey he's coming over tomorrow to tell me and Lenny all about the history of the Industrial Revolution in the 19th Century. Oh joy.

Come back Bernard, all is forgiven, that's what I say!

Hooray! I'm in the Beano! Again!

A lovely new story starring me, Lenny (poorly acted as usual), Cecil (uninvited I must add) plus a small selection of wannabes desperate to get their faces in the Beano (shame on you!) is in this week's issue!! Is it me, or does a new adventure of Derek the Sheep appearing in the Beano put a spring in your step?

Boxing match!

Today we re-enacted the Battle of Trafalgar in honour of it's 50th Anniversary. We're well up on our history round 'ere and I played Nelson, Lenny was Lord Wellington and Cecil was Napoleon. Actually there was a bit of a scrap over who would play Nelson and seeing as I got a poke in the eye I ended up looking most like him. Cecil didn't mind, as his mum always said he looked a bit like Napoleon and in fact on her grandfather's side you can trace the family line back to one of his girlfriends who was born in 1283.

We all had boxes as boats tied round our waists (see pic) and we just kept charging into each other until the war was over. It was pretty accurate we reckon. I had to pretend to kop it at the end and Lenny said something about Cecil had to give me a kiss (Nelson's last words apparently), but I weren't having none of that.
Barry chicken then appeared and made bizarre roaring noises and started biting our ankles. After a swift kick where it hurts, he explained he was one of the big lions in Trafalgar square that would have eaten half the French Navy. We felt very stupid as we'd forgotten this important fact and apologised to Barry for leaving that bit out and kicking him. He's a bit of a stickler for facts is our Baz, and if you want to know anything about history or volcanoes, he's your chicken.

Something I meant to post last week is this great picture from Menaceman. He sent it to me minutes after I posted my own pic and had spookily guessed that I'd worn a pair of bright red underpants as opposed to any other colour. Very strange. It's a fab pic, thanks Menaceman, and don't forget to check out his own website of groovy cartoons about him and his mates, called er.. Mates!

Phew wot a scorcher

Crumbs it hot this week. Especially when you've got lots of work to do, like us sheep have. After an hour or so of sunbathing, we ate a bit of grass (it's gone a bit dry and tasted more like straw), then we wandered over to the chicken yard where they were having a tennis competition. Tim chicken was popular with the ladies, and was very dashing on the court. Nice back-hand/wing too, but terrible serve. He grunted like a loony too. I hate grunting in tennis, it's weird. Unless of course pigs are playing, then you can't tell if they're just grunting away as normal or "tennis-grunting", so it doesn't matter.

Anyway, after tennis we had strawberries and ice-cream with lots of chocolate sauce (which Lenny ALWAYS gets down his belly, the slob) and we wandered over to the pond and threw bread at the ducks. I got three right on the bonce and copped Charlie duck right between the eyes! It was a beautiful shot. If only Darren (he's a sheep) hadn't dropped the videocamera and smashed it to smithereens, we could've taped it and sent it to Harry Hill and made £250. It wasn't our camera anyhow, we borrowed it of Annie Cow, so we weren't too heartbroken.

Flippin' eck what a day! I'm bushed!!! And I can't sleep cos it's so hot.
Oh well, more of the same tomorrow probably...


It's all happening in Duckshire too! Fat Tony seems to be getting fatter by the day I reckon. I love that photo of the interview. Wot a laugh!

By popular demand...

Well here it is! When Moldova didn't win the Eurovision Song contest, I promised to run around the field with a pair of underpants on my head..

It was also just my luck it was pouring down with rain, so I got completely flippin' soaked too. Everybody had a right old laugh of course. The pants were a pair of Farmer Jack's which Nelly Goose pinched off his washing line when he wasn't looking. She couldn't have picked a finer pair.
At least they were clean I suppose!
Everyone was cheering and clapping as I scampered round and I wished the earth could've opened up and swallowed me whole. Even a worm laughed at me and called me "Pants-face" which isn't even remotely funny.

Use the Force!

Check out this wicked pic sent in from Alistair Stuart, AKA Menaceman, regular poster to this site.


Here's what Menaceman had to say,
"This is what I imagine you do after you've had a very bad day to get rid of your anger. I was going to make the punchbag green but thought that you wouldn't hit anything green because it would remind you of grass and that must be the one and only thing you don't hate."

Too right Menaceman!! There are some bees and sheep round 'ere that get right on my nerves and maybe a punchbag could be the answer to relieve the tension. I did try yoga once after Bernard the goat accidently knocked me into a puddle (I ended up right on my bottom!). Unfortunately I got my back left leg twisted round my neck and I was stuck like that for three days. Luckily Lenny kicked me really hard up the bum, and I was suddenly unravelled. Hooray! I won't go anywhere near yoga now, not even yoghurt, which sounds a bit like yoga. Sort of.

Thanks dude! One loverly sketch winging it's way very soon.

I'm back from my weekend break!

Hello! Did you miss me? I nipped over to Wales for the weekend to visit my Welsh cousins. I don't see them that often now that I'm an international mega-star. It was great to see them all again and aunty Joyce kept me well fed with Welsh cakes and lavabread (which is actually seaweed and looks gross but is very nice actually). It's always cold in Wales and flippin' eck there was a nasty nip in the air. It didn't rain though and it ALWAYS rains in Wales. So that was good.
It was a shame it was such a short visit, but I'm sure I'll be back again soon.
I took some photos of my cousins so I'll post them later.

I had a bit of fan-mail while I was away. This one was from Nigel Wilkes:

Dear Derek,
I work in an office across a road from a field full of sheep. Normally the atmosphere is quiet and serene, but a couple of days ago the amount of bleating grew to piteous levels. It turns out that it's shearing time! I can tell you, there's a lot of seriously unhappy (and unfashionable) sheep out there. Now you are no longer a turnip, you better watch out. I have attached an artist's impression of the fate that may be awaiting you. A concerned Derek fan
alias Nigel



Thanks Nigel!
You're right, it's shearing time and your pic is pretty scary but your local sheep sound like a big bunch of girls blouses. My Welsh cousins' flock is in the middle of being sheared at the moment and those that ain't sheared yet look fairly rough and ready, so although it's a frightening prospect, it's quite necessary if you want to look tidy. Keeps the nits off too. (What's that stupid mole laughing at anyway? Who wants to be a stupid mole? They eat worms! Yuk!!)

More fan-mail in the week!

We're un-turnipped! (is that a word?)

Hooray! We're not turnips anymore!! Well Benard the goat still is, but other than that everything's back to normally. Isn't that great? You wait till I see that Leprechaun, I'll turn him into a flippin' turnip. Still, it didn't stop us going about our daily business and we watched Star Wars without a hitch.
Lenny's still not talking to me though. I don't know what his stupid balloon said about me (maybe that I smell or something), but he won't even look at me, let alone say hello.

Anyway, we've decided to keep Bernard the Turnip in a box until he gets better, just in case someone accidently eats him.

Revenge of the Turnip

We're still turnips. Oh yes. And if that isn't bad enough, yesterday was my birthday (hooray!), so I spent an entire birthday transmorgified into a turnip. That'll be one birthday I won't forget. Also, we'd prebooked tickets to go and watch "Revenge of the Sith" at the local cinema as a treat and not wanting to have wasted money we still went along.
Fortunately we'd booked the entire front row (there were ten of us) so we didn't have to worry about not seeing it properly. We did get a few funny looks I'll admit, but the cinema staff didn't blink an eye. The only worrying bit was when they asked if we had an adult with us (it's a PG film), so we pointed to Bernard, but seeing as he was a turnip like the rest of us and all turnips look the same, they couldn't argue really.

What a great film though! Flippin' eck! Best Star Wars film of all I reckon!! It was a bit depressing though, and nobody really talked to each other on the bus home. I was just thinking about those poor younglings...

I am a turnip. No really, I am.

Do you remember that Irish Leprechaun chap who turned up last summer and threatened to turn us all into turnips if we upset him again?
Well he came back today and Kevin rabbit accidently poked him in the eye with a carrot (I think he was giving directions). So he got really mad and has actually turned us all into turnips!

Which is brilliant. We can still talk and roll on our sides to get around, but it's just not the same really. Lenny doesn't seem to mind though and seems to be quite happy. He lost his balloon too (didn't quite have the grip to hold onto it), but he's not as bothered as I'd expected.
Maybe now that we're turnips, we might be able to become good friends again!

Derek Von Doom

Here's that lovely picture sent in from Ashley, and what a grand pic it is too! There's a sketch winging it's way to you young man. Thanks a bunch!

I think I'm meant to be Dr Doom, evil nemesis of the Fantastic Four. Cool!

Moldova to win!!

We love the Eurovision Song Contest and we normally have a bit of a barn dance ourselves to get into the spirit of things (I'm the best of course, Hot Hooves they call me).
We all watched the semi finals excitedly on BBC 3 (we're extravagently rich enough to afford satellite now we're in the Beano) and we all voted madly for Moldova and their brilliant song Boonika bate doba which means "Grandmamma beats the drum-a".
And we love Grandmamma round here too! She's the coolest drummer in the world!

The lyrics are fantastic too!
"She’s a drum machine, you know what I mean"
and...
"Pop you up with dat beat Get rid of rotten meat"
and of course...
"Grandmamma beats the drum-a with the mallet in the big house!"
She'll be a superstar, you mark my words. And as the song finally says "By the end of that show you‘ll blow yourself to bits". Well I hope not!

The group even have an album called 450 Sheep How brilliant is that? Cecil's trying to work out how we can buy a copy.

Nobby's gone nuts

They say 'fame' is a wild and dangerous animal. There are some of us who can deal with it and go about our business as if being famous is normal, we eat our grass, discuss our latest adventures to all who'll listen, even when they start walking away, because that's what people want; and then there are others who can't cope and it all goes to their heads and they spend all their money on mars bars and diet tango and wear sunglasses signing autographs for people who have no idea who they are. Those people are called Nobby the hedgehog and all his new found fame has gone right to his little prickly head.
I'm mean flippin' 'eck, normally it's me who gets to open any new local supermarkets or appear at local fetes, but no, now everyone wants to see the stupid little hedgehog and apparently he pulls in "twice the money", which is very hard to believe.
And to cap it all, literally, Nobby's bought himself a new sparkly bowler hat, because "his fans wouldn't expect anything less".



Who needs a sparkly hat, eh? Not me! Not when you've got a lovable face like mine.

Hello?

There ain't no "Armadillo" song here

May I just apologise to all those people who come here looking for that "Road to Armadillo" song via google. What it was right, is that a ladybird was singing it the other week and it got right on my nerves, so I put it in a pot. Then everybody told me off and said I was horrible, there was a big riot involving chickens and beetles and goats and everything and in the end I broke the pot on my mate Lenny's head (Lenny's a sheep too) by dropping it from a tree and then the ladybird flew away, but not before it punched me in the chops. Ok?

I hope that clears that one up.

Buy The Beano!

I'm rushing about this week, so I've just got time to tell you that I'm in the Beano this week!
It's a silly story with Nobby the hedgehog getting on my nerves (doesn't everybody?)
Enjoy! Sorry, must dash!!!

Would you say I'm miserable? Someone said I'm miserable today and it upset me. They said I had a face "Like a bulldog chewing a wasp". How would they know? Is that something bulldogs do often?
I wonder if Cecil's ever been chewed by a bulldog? Although he's a bee, so he'd probably get chewed by a yorkshire terrier or something. He's never mentioned it if he has, and if you're gonna get chewed by a dog, you're bound to mention it at some point.
It was Monday morning after all, so I reckon I was allowed to be miserable, everyone else seems to be! Not that I think I was. I was just eating straw and imagining what the new Star Wars film might be like and maybe I was imagining all the "dark evil" we've been promised and my face does tend to reflect my current thoughts. "Like little windows to your soul" is how Bernard the goat described my eyes once (which makes a change from "a couple of mad ping pong balls" which is the normal description from friends and family). I kicked him up the bum for saying that, mind; I didn't know what he meant and it was the only way I knew how to react. He's a bit strange that Bernard.

True grit

Blimey it was windy today. I was eating a nice patch of grass and a big bit of grit flew in my eye. It's been there all day in fact and it's irritating my eye so much that I'm accidently going around winking at everyone.
I was talking to Bertie cow about the relegation battle this afternoon and how Norwich City look like they might just scrape it if they get a win next Saturday, when she gave me a slap!
I thought I'd upset her cause she's a West Brom fan, but it turns out she thought I was chatting her up! ME!?
I wouldn't chat her up if she was the last cow on the Earth. I'd go out with Bernard the goat before I'd go out with her! And he's got a stupid beard.

Ha ha har!! Bob Chicken's been arrested for fraud!!
That'll learn him.

Can you believe it?

That Bob! I'll get him! Spotted this in the newsagent today.
What a scoundrel!

Told ya!

See? Didn't I say?! It turned into a nice Dalek, JUST as I predicted! And there were pingpong balls right at the end. I flippin knew it.
And you all dared scoff at my sarcastic remarks...

Ha! Phooey to the lot of ya.

It was rubbish though, wasn't it? You do all believe me now don't you? Hello?

And what about my psychic powers, frightening eh? I now predict that next week's episode will be slightly strange, with scary bits and K-9 will turn up with a big curly moustache and proclaim himself as leader of the Cybermen.

You read it here first.

We're all doomed!!

Me and Bob have finally finished writing our letter to "New Scientist" telling them of the impending doom from the big Spider Planet we've discovered. You won't believe how long we took to write the flippin thing! Bob is such a fusspot and kept changing the words all the time and getting on my nerves. As it is it's like a blummin' novel about someone's life story. I've never written something so long-winded, my wrists hurt!
Let's hope they realise that we're not being stupid and take us seriously. The whole world's survival depends on them reading this.
Hopefully we'll win a year's subscription.

Derek corner!

Well, I finally scraped together enough pennies to buy the latest issue of the Beano. Farmer Jack pays 25p if you clean one of his tractors, which is a fair deal. So I cleaned two over the weekend, which makes 50p and I also sold a bale of hay to Bernard the Goat for 35p (which farmer Jack doesn't know about), so I had enough to buy the Beano AND a 10p "chomp". Hooray!
I was nearly bowled over with surprise when I spotted the new feature on the letters page; Derek Corner! A lovely little spot to send in your drawings of ME. And already there was a snappy drawing of me dressed as Tarzan swinging on a snake, by William Hunt of Farnham. What a great idea and seeing as I'm so good looking, it should make a change from looking at all those other ugly mugs that normally get drawn.
It certainly cheered up a rainy miserable day and my chomp tasted even lovelier. Thanks ed!

Invasion of Earth!!!

Our new discovery of a spider planet is getting quite exciting as it seems to be getting closer. Me and Bob Chicken are a bit worried that there maybe an invasion of spider aliens heading towards Earth, which would be horrible; spiders are stupid and having more would be extremely annoying. Although it can't be as boring as that stupid alien invasion on Dr.Who last night! Well I'm guessing it was stupid as I fell asleep through it due to it being very boring. Oh well, at least there's a dalek in it next week, although I bet it's a rubbish nice dalek which can fly and shoot ping pong balls from it's eyes. That's how bad I reckon it'll be. Bring back the cybermen who are really cool, I say, and bring back K-9 as their evil leader with a big stupid curly moustache.

Can you tell I'm bored?

Lenny's balloon doesn't like me!

I'm starting to think my farm has been caught up in some mad space-warp where everything is the same except for the fact that everybody is INSANE!!!!

I asked Lenny if he wanted to look at my great new telescope as I think we've spotted a new spider-shaped planet (Bob the chicken and Astronomer extraordinaire believes we could be on the threshold of fame and fortune). But no, Lenny was going out with his new friend his balloon to look for bluebells. Bluebells aren't out for at least another two weeks I argued, but apparently the balloon reckons that due to global warming there's a great chance they'll be out early this year.

What do flippin' balloons know about flippin' flowers and flippin' global warming?!

I got a bit angry and shouted at Lenny to stop being such a fool and stop playing with his stupid balloon as it's making him look like an idiot.
Well, according to Lenny, the balloon did not like this and would prefer it if Lenny didn't hang around with me any more!

Can you believe it? Why the balloon can't say it to my face I don't know. Maybe because it's a balloon AND BALLOONS DON'T TALK!!!

I tell ya, that balloon is getting right on my nerves.

Lenny's new friend

I'm getting a bit worried about Lenny. A red balloon blew into our field yesterday and it landed right next to Lenny in a hedge. Now Lenny loves his new balloon and won't go anywhere without it. He won't let anybody touch it neither and if we're rude about the balloon (I said it was stupid), he gets really angry and storms off.
I know we all get possessive about things from time to time, but Lenny's behaviour is getting really strange. I even thought I heard him talking to his balloon this afternoon in our barn! I think he was discussing the merits of the new Doctor Who and I'm sure I heard him shout at his balloon, "No! You are wrong! Christopher Ecclescake is a brilliant Doctor Who. What would you know? You're just a flippin' balloon!"

Which is frankly, quite scary.

Bunion bedlam!

My latest mad adventure is in this weeks Beano! I'm right grumpy this week and everybody gets on my nerves! It don't help that I've got a nasty bunion on my toe and no one cares.
Hope you enjoy it!

Stupid telescopes

Me and the lads are big fans of astronomy round here and often wonder if there are sheep on Mars. Or if you're Cecil, you'd be wondering if there were bees on other planets. So we got quite excited when we read that they are building super-size telescopes, which can see further than anything built ever. Even further than the Bubble telescope, which has been brilliant.
The only thing that made us laugh was the stupid names they come up with for their new telescopes! Like the Extremely Large Telescope (ELT), or the Overwhelmingly Large Telescope (Owl).
So we decided, that if we build a telescope on our farm we're going to call it FELATSOTT, which stands for Flipping Eck Look At The Size Of That Telescope. We've started building it already and have collected over 30 old toilet rolls. This thing is going to be HUGE!

Bug out

Well, you've probably been wondering why I've been lying low all week...

We finally got that little singing ladybird out of his pot the other day. It was Lenny's bright idea to drop it out of a tree and smash it on the rocks below, although the insect community wasn't best pleased with this turn of events. But, we'd run out of curly wurly so something had to be done.
So up Lenny went and he dropped the pot, but it just bounced. I called him an idiot, he said I was a big fat cow pat. I then grabbed the pot, chucked it at him and he fell out of the tree. The pot then dropped on his concrete bonce and smashed to pieces.

Initially we thought the bug was very happy, so I went up to him and told him how pleased we were to see him free and that he owed us £3.85 for all them curly-wurlys.
Cheeky little blighter then punched me in the chops and gave me a whopper of a black eye!!!

Everyone laughed at me and I got chased by a marauding crowd of excitable ladybirds and chickens (chickens will always get involved if there's a scrap to be had).

So I've kept well out of the spotlight. But I'm in next week's Beano, so I'll have to show my face at some point (I'm the guest celebrity at the opening of a new sweetshop on Tuesday, so I think I'll ask for a box curly-wurlys instead of cash).

hmm...

I've been trying to work out if this is an April Fools joke.

Tensions are rising...

Call me Dave

By the way, for the sake of foreign editions of the Beano, it has been decided that I should now be called Dave, as this is a far more universally recognised British name and Derek means "packet of crisps" in Spanish.
So from now on, I'm Dave the Sheep.
And Lenny is to be called Brenda.

Mustachioed bug

Well we're trying to let that singing bug out, but as you may have read the lid's stuck! We've tried everything from rubbing it with butter to rolling it down a hill and nothing works. He's got little airholes which we're feeding bits of curly-wurly through and he seems happy enough. We did get an email suggesting a kingsize mars bar would be better. So we bought one, but then we ate it and it was lovely! Mmm.. I love Mars bars!
Anyway there's a bit of a crowd building of beetle protestors and little beetle news teams beaming his picture around the world. Ain't they got nothing better to do, like eat aphids or somethin'? Flippin' eck.

Anyhows, here's a new one we caught this morning. We can't quite work out if he's from Spain, Mexico or Tenerife. He won't talk neither and only sings mad songs. I had to let him go as singing ladybirds are just trouble I reckon.

Free the armadillo bug!

You've got me feeling guilty now...
Should I let out the singing bug, or leave him in the pot?
He is just a stupid insect after all, but if you think I'm being mean I'll let him go.

Flippin' Armadillos

We caught another bug today and put him STRAIGHT in the pot! We don't know if he was a ladybird, harlequin, bee, wasp, beetle or whatever, but he was just singing that flippin' Way to Armadillo song and I hate that song (everyone's singing it on the farm, even Lenny), so I put him in, no questions asked.

Now I can't get that tune out of my head! Arrgghh!


Stop singing that 'orrible song!!!

Got one!!!

Ha har! We got one of the little monkeys!
We caught us a harlequin and all because we're great detectives. Check out our brilliant questioning...

What is your name? The name's Pip
's a bit funny. Are you a mad foreigner? What!? Not a bit! Pip is short for Philip. Now move along goat, I'm in a dashed rush!
Flippin' GOAT! I ain't no goat! I ain't never heard of the name Pip neither. Sounds VERY foreign to me.
Who's the Queen of England? Listen goat or whatever you are, move along! I have no time for your blathering!! Chop chop!
Who's the flippin' Queen of England ya rascal!? It's Elizabeth!! Now put me down, I have a meeting at 2 o'clock and I have little time for your shenanigans!
Right you, in the pot! "Shenanigans" and "blathering" sound like stupid foreign words to me, and as we all know, Britney Spears is the Queen of England. Lenny also reckons the King of Spain was called Philip once, so that sews up that one.
Just you wait till John Craven sees you!

Ladybird survey

Farmer Jack has asked the farm to keep an eye out for weird ladybirds. Apparantly some foreign types have invaded the UK and are most unwelcome as they tend to eat our nice ladybirds that already live here and we don't want none of that.
Me and lenny checked out the ladybird survey website so we could find out exactly what these nasty creatures looked like. Unfortunately, to the untrained sheep eye, these so-called Harlequin ladybirds don't look too different from our OWN ladybird. So we got a bit worried, thinking we would collect a bagful of ladybirds and they'd be our own lovely British ones which have lived here for millions of years.
Then Cecil came along and told us we were being very stupid and it ain't so difficult! All we have to do, he reckons, is ask them. You'd be able to tell by their mad accents he said, but me and Lenny are cleverer than that (anyone can put on a British accent!) so we've come up with a detailed survey to weed out the rotters and round 'em up and put 'em in a pot.

We only found one today, but it was a good chance to try out our detective skills...



Name: Karen
Ain't that a girls name? What of it?
Are you a stupid foreign ladybird? err.. no
Who's the Prime Minister of Scotland? um...Bill someone?
No!! Ha ha har!!
What magic powers do you have? I don't have no magic powers. Although I can bend my fingers backwards, watch.
Arrggh! Don't do that!!! Flippin' eck.
Finally, who's the Queen of England? ...Britney Spears?
..Yes ok. (We're not sure about this one, but it sounded right).
Thank you, you can leave!

A great success, I'm sure you'll agree. Look out for more ladybird surveys all this week!

Fantastic new story out now!

As you probably know, my latest mad adventure is in the shops as we speak!
It's a very special issue too, as it introduces my great new friend Nobby the Hedgehog. It's another cracker in what has been a long line of collectors item stories. Everybody's happy, apart from Cecil, who seems to be feeling a bit blue (ho ho!).

Also, I don't know if it's the same for everybody, but there seems to be a bit of a printing glitch in my copy and some speech bubbles are accidently missing, so here they are in their full glory, just in case. Enjoy!

Look how handsome I am

Just had this brilliant photo sent to me from a young chap called Thomas Ware.
His mum says, "Thomas had to make a decorated egg for a competition at school and we decided to make derek the sheep!" and what a handsome egg it is too. He's even saying "flippin' eck!".

I'm so chuffed and impressed that there's a signed picture of me winging it's way to you now. In fact all drawings, photos and poems etc. will be rewarded with a signed picture of yours truly (yours will be in the post Sue Wilkes!). Considering the wonderful efforts involved, it's the least I can do.
Thanks Thomas!

Still a bit windy

I'm still suffering from them sherbert lemons. I kept trying to steer well away from people so as not to embarrass myself, but Lenny insisted on coming over all the time and asking me what's wrong. I told him it's nothing and to go away and leave me alone and then he got really offended thinking he'd upset me or something. I ended up shouting at him to go away, far away, and he shouted back about how I'm acting different these last couple of days and how everyone hates me.
He went away but came back ten minutes later and offered me a sherbert lemon. I went a bit crazy and knocked the packet out of his hoof, screaming "Get them sherbert lemons away from me! They're evil!!" and ran to the other side of the field crying.
Now the whole farm thinks I'm a loony.
I'm not a loony I just have a tremendous build up of gas.

Sweet smell of success

Does anyone know if eating sherbert lemons give you wind? 'Cos I bought a big packet today and because everyone got on my nerves, I decided to eat the whole lot myself, and you know, I haven't stopped blowing off all evening. It's really bothering me now and it's getting more difficult to hide when I'm talking to my mates.
Next time I'll stick to jelly tots.

An Ode To Derek

I've just received a lovely poem from my fan, Sue Wilkes, who was very pleased that I posted that picture of those ducks yesterday:

Hurray for Derek!
The sheep we love most
He likes fried egg butties
And beans on toast

Lenny's his mate
His nose gets quite messy
Friend Cecil the Bee's
New hat is so dressy

Derek's pictures are full
Of crazy cows and pigs
His field's never dull
There's ducks in his digs!

His Beano stories are really great
For his diary updates we can't wait
So if Farmer Jack takes your telly
There's a spider in your welly
Or your barn's really smelly
Please Derek, don't be blue
Your fans all love you!


Thanks Sue! It's absolutely cracking. Sue says she doesn't write many poems, but she sure looks like an expert to me.
If you want to be like Sue, and have your poem or letter posted on my blog, then don't hesitate to email me. Such things should definitely be encouraged. I could even put your drawing up too if you want!

3 ducks!

Here's them three horrible ducks from last week (as specially requested).

No photos please!

Cor what a hectic day! Now that I'm a superstar, I was invited by my local Woolworths to do a signing session and meet some of my fans. Flippin' eck it was busy with screaming admirers. Bees mainly.
As I was signing whatever was to hand (easter eggs and Hulk DVDs seemed to be the most popular), people kept asking "Where's that Sheepdog? He's really funny!", and "get your drums out, you're great."
What are they on about? I haven't got drums.
Stupid bees.

Cor blimey. I don't know about ghostly scarecrows in Bernard's shed. I had more trouble with his wheezy snoring! I don't think I slept a wink all night. I reckon he must wake himself up with his nasal mooing and frighten himself.
We did have a lovely breakfast in the morning though (beans on toast), so I'll let him off.

Duck a-flippin'-l'orange

We have a bit of an "open door" policy in our barn with animals coming and going as they please. I've always been against it, but everyone just tells me to shut up and quit my moaning.
well, I'm off to kip round Bernard the Goat's tonight as I've had enough. Three stupid ducks waddled in and sat around chewing bubblegum, laughing very loudly and generally making a nuisance of themselves. Farmer Jack's confiscated our telly, so we have to make do with reading or whatever, and I really couldn't cope with their racket.
But, I gritted my teeth, not wanting to spill the apple tart, or whatever the saying is, and just got on with reading this week's Beano (with my collector's item guest appearance).
I popped over to talk to Lenny to discuss the science behind "Star Trek", when I spotted the ducks walking out of the barn. Not only did they walk out, but they walked through my patch and one of 'em pooed on my bedding!!!!
How dare they!! So that's it, Bernard says there's plenty of room over in his shed and I'm not to believe the rumours about the ghostly scarecrow. Which is brilliant, because I'd never heard of any flippin' "ghostly scarecrow" and now I ain't so keen. It can't be any worse than sleeping in duck poo I suppose.

Some stupid pigeons sat on our roof today and they got on ALL our nerves. We'd all rushed home to watch "Neighbours" and they were cooing and squawking and tapping around on the roof. You can't concentrate under those conditions, so I went outside and gave them a piece of my mind. I hate birds as you know, but I hate pigeons the most 'cos they smell and poo everywhere.
They were so oblivious to my shouting that they just ignored me. I kept shouting and screaming, but they weren't having any of it. It was only when I started throwing rocks at them and they come after me to peck my eyes out, that I realised they were wearing the new "ipod shuffle", which is why they couldn't hear me. I hadn't seen one yet and they looked very nice.
So we got talking about ipods etc. and I proudly showed them my p-pod which they were very interested in. They're the sort who like to keep up with all the latest gadgets and hadn't heard of "p-pods" and said I was probably the coolest sheep in this field! What nice pigeons.
When I went back in the barn to tell everybody how brilliant I apparently am, I realised I'd completely missed Neighbours!
Suddenly it was one of the worst days in my life!
I never miss an episode of Neighbours. Never.

Bogey face

It was so cold today, that all the snot that dribbled from Lenny's nose when he slept, froze to his face and he woke up plastered in straw!
That sheep has no shame.

Bee in a bonnet

Here's Cecil's cousin George in his stupid hat. What a flippin' berk. Apparently he won it in an International Bumble Bee Bungee-Jumping competition.
He must've come last or something.

Bee ahead in fashion

Cecil's going around wearing his new hat today. I ain't too impressed; I think he looks like he should be yodelling in the Swiss Alps or something.
Apparently it's the "in thing" in the world of bees these days, and everyone who's anyone is sporting a felt hat with a feather in.
He looks so happy in it, it's frightening.

Shout box!

As an experiment I've put a Shoutbox on the left, where you can have realtime conversations with me and some of my mates. There's loads of conversations going on all over this site on various articles, so I thought it might be a good idea to have one place to chat!
Lenny likes it 'cos he's thick and it's simple to use. All you have to do is put in your name and say how great I am, click preview or post and Bob's your uncle. You don't need a website or anything.
If it's rubbish and no one uses it, then I'll take it off.
Go on - test my shining wit!

Snow! We love it!

Hooray! It's snowing and we love snow on this farm. Well usually anyway.
We all had a fantastic big snowball fight this afternoon; sheep and chickens versus cows and ducks. It was brilliant! I got charlie chicken right between the eyes, he won't be "cock-a-doodle-dooing" for a little while I can tell you.
Me and the lads built a big snowball which we rolled down the hill and took out half their army. Colin Duck went missing for half an hour until we realised he'd ended up in the snowball and was stuck. He found 50p while he was in there, so he was quite chuffed. Lenny copped a big snowball on the back of his head and he ended up in the hedge, he looked a right idiot. He said it wasn't funny, but obviously it was.

I got a massive snowball in the chops and I lost a tooth in the process. My new name is now "Watford" after "Watford gap" which is apparently a big road or something. I've never heard of it, so it's not even funny.
I think that tooth is definitely lost now seeing as it's white and is lost in white snow. I wouldn't mind, but everytime I say something I whistle out the side of my mouth. It was amusing for a little while, but now I just get on my own nerves. I hate whistling.

Me mid-splat. One of them snowflakes is probably my tooth flying about!