Lenny told me today that I have B.O.. I had no idea what he meant. Did he mean Bionic Oatflakes? Brilliant Opal (eyes)? Brown Oranges? (That last one doesn't even make sense).
NO!!! He meant I smelt BAD!
What an absolute cheek. I smell lovely. Even Cecil remarked on how keenly I smelt the other day. I'm sure it was meant as a compliment. So the whole farm clubbed together and bought me a can of deoderant; "Eu de Barn Door" it was called. Lenny says that not only will I smell great, I'll also get myself a girlfriend. Like as if that's a good thing. Girlfriends are for idiots; it's a scientific fact - I saw it on Channel Four News.
Anyway, to keep everyone happy, I sprayed some (well all) the stuff under me armpits and behind my ears and now I smell like a rosy barn door! I've not had any women throwing themselves at me though, unless you count wasps and blue-bottles (you'd think I was a big bottle of jam or something the way they're all carrying on).
Now I can't sleep as I stink of perfume and whenever I do dose off all I dream about is Lenny dressed as Charlotte Church chasing me down the street. And that ain't a good thing.
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Does jam come in bottles?? I think I made a clerical error there. But I'm leaving it in as it's a great idea and I want to prove that I thought of it first.
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you never heard it from me though...
Not half as worrying as Charlotte Church dressed as Lenny...
Oh that's conjured up some wonderful mental images. I can see them both performing together on stage.
...and then passing out at the bar.
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