Derek Von Doom

Here's that lovely picture sent in from Ashley, and what a grand pic it is too! There's a sketch winging it's way to you young man. Thanks a bunch!

I think I'm meant to be Dr Doom, evil nemesis of the Fantastic Four. Cool!

Moldova to win!!

We love the Eurovision Song Contest and we normally have a bit of a barn dance ourselves to get into the spirit of things (I'm the best of course, Hot Hooves they call me).
We all watched the semi finals excitedly on BBC 3 (we're extravagently rich enough to afford satellite now we're in the Beano) and we all voted madly for Moldova and their brilliant song Boonika bate doba which means "Grandmamma beats the drum-a".
And we love Grandmamma round here too! She's the coolest drummer in the world!

The lyrics are fantastic too!
"She’s a drum machine, you know what I mean"
and...
"Pop you up with dat beat Get rid of rotten meat"
and of course...
"Grandmamma beats the drum-a with the mallet in the big house!"
She'll be a superstar, you mark my words. And as the song finally says "By the end of that show you‘ll blow yourself to bits". Well I hope not!

The group even have an album called 450 Sheep How brilliant is that? Cecil's trying to work out how we can buy a copy.

Nobby's gone nuts

They say 'fame' is a wild and dangerous animal. There are some of us who can deal with it and go about our business as if being famous is normal, we eat our grass, discuss our latest adventures to all who'll listen, even when they start walking away, because that's what people want; and then there are others who can't cope and it all goes to their heads and they spend all their money on mars bars and diet tango and wear sunglasses signing autographs for people who have no idea who they are. Those people are called Nobby the hedgehog and all his new found fame has gone right to his little prickly head.
I'm mean flippin' 'eck, normally it's me who gets to open any new local supermarkets or appear at local fetes, but no, now everyone wants to see the stupid little hedgehog and apparently he pulls in "twice the money", which is very hard to believe.
And to cap it all, literally, Nobby's bought himself a new sparkly bowler hat, because "his fans wouldn't expect anything less".



Who needs a sparkly hat, eh? Not me! Not when you've got a lovable face like mine.

Hello?

There ain't no "Armadillo" song here

May I just apologise to all those people who come here looking for that "Road to Armadillo" song via google. What it was right, is that a ladybird was singing it the other week and it got right on my nerves, so I put it in a pot. Then everybody told me off and said I was horrible, there was a big riot involving chickens and beetles and goats and everything and in the end I broke the pot on my mate Lenny's head (Lenny's a sheep too) by dropping it from a tree and then the ladybird flew away, but not before it punched me in the chops. Ok?

I hope that clears that one up.

Buy The Beano!

I'm rushing about this week, so I've just got time to tell you that I'm in the Beano this week!
It's a silly story with Nobby the hedgehog getting on my nerves (doesn't everybody?)
Enjoy! Sorry, must dash!!!

Would you say I'm miserable? Someone said I'm miserable today and it upset me. They said I had a face "Like a bulldog chewing a wasp". How would they know? Is that something bulldogs do often?
I wonder if Cecil's ever been chewed by a bulldog? Although he's a bee, so he'd probably get chewed by a yorkshire terrier or something. He's never mentioned it if he has, and if you're gonna get chewed by a dog, you're bound to mention it at some point.
It was Monday morning after all, so I reckon I was allowed to be miserable, everyone else seems to be! Not that I think I was. I was just eating straw and imagining what the new Star Wars film might be like and maybe I was imagining all the "dark evil" we've been promised and my face does tend to reflect my current thoughts. "Like little windows to your soul" is how Bernard the goat described my eyes once (which makes a change from "a couple of mad ping pong balls" which is the normal description from friends and family). I kicked him up the bum for saying that, mind; I didn't know what he meant and it was the only way I knew how to react. He's a bit strange that Bernard.

True grit

Blimey it was windy today. I was eating a nice patch of grass and a big bit of grit flew in my eye. It's been there all day in fact and it's irritating my eye so much that I'm accidently going around winking at everyone.
I was talking to Bertie cow about the relegation battle this afternoon and how Norwich City look like they might just scrape it if they get a win next Saturday, when she gave me a slap!
I thought I'd upset her cause she's a West Brom fan, but it turns out she thought I was chatting her up! ME!?
I wouldn't chat her up if she was the last cow on the Earth. I'd go out with Bernard the goat before I'd go out with her! And he's got a stupid beard.

Ha ha har!! Bob Chicken's been arrested for fraud!!
That'll learn him.

Can you believe it?

That Bob! I'll get him! Spotted this in the newsagent today.
What a scoundrel!

Told ya!

See? Didn't I say?! It turned into a nice Dalek, JUST as I predicted! And there were pingpong balls right at the end. I flippin knew it.
And you all dared scoff at my sarcastic remarks...

Ha! Phooey to the lot of ya.

It was rubbish though, wasn't it? You do all believe me now don't you? Hello?

And what about my psychic powers, frightening eh? I now predict that next week's episode will be slightly strange, with scary bits and K-9 will turn up with a big curly moustache and proclaim himself as leader of the Cybermen.

You read it here first.

We're all doomed!!

Me and Bob have finally finished writing our letter to "New Scientist" telling them of the impending doom from the big Spider Planet we've discovered. You won't believe how long we took to write the flippin thing! Bob is such a fusspot and kept changing the words all the time and getting on my nerves. As it is it's like a blummin' novel about someone's life story. I've never written something so long-winded, my wrists hurt!
Let's hope they realise that we're not being stupid and take us seriously. The whole world's survival depends on them reading this.
Hopefully we'll win a year's subscription.

Derek corner!

Well, I finally scraped together enough pennies to buy the latest issue of the Beano. Farmer Jack pays 25p if you clean one of his tractors, which is a fair deal. So I cleaned two over the weekend, which makes 50p and I also sold a bale of hay to Bernard the Goat for 35p (which farmer Jack doesn't know about), so I had enough to buy the Beano AND a 10p "chomp". Hooray!
I was nearly bowled over with surprise when I spotted the new feature on the letters page; Derek Corner! A lovely little spot to send in your drawings of ME. And already there was a snappy drawing of me dressed as Tarzan swinging on a snake, by William Hunt of Farnham. What a great idea and seeing as I'm so good looking, it should make a change from looking at all those other ugly mugs that normally get drawn.
It certainly cheered up a rainy miserable day and my chomp tasted even lovelier. Thanks ed!

Invasion of Earth!!!

Our new discovery of a spider planet is getting quite exciting as it seems to be getting closer. Me and Bob Chicken are a bit worried that there maybe an invasion of spider aliens heading towards Earth, which would be horrible; spiders are stupid and having more would be extremely annoying. Although it can't be as boring as that stupid alien invasion on Dr.Who last night! Well I'm guessing it was stupid as I fell asleep through it due to it being very boring. Oh well, at least there's a dalek in it next week, although I bet it's a rubbish nice dalek which can fly and shoot ping pong balls from it's eyes. That's how bad I reckon it'll be. Bring back the cybermen who are really cool, I say, and bring back K-9 as their evil leader with a big stupid curly moustache.

Can you tell I'm bored?

Lenny's balloon doesn't like me!

I'm starting to think my farm has been caught up in some mad space-warp where everything is the same except for the fact that everybody is INSANE!!!!

I asked Lenny if he wanted to look at my great new telescope as I think we've spotted a new spider-shaped planet (Bob the chicken and Astronomer extraordinaire believes we could be on the threshold of fame and fortune). But no, Lenny was going out with his new friend his balloon to look for bluebells. Bluebells aren't out for at least another two weeks I argued, but apparently the balloon reckons that due to global warming there's a great chance they'll be out early this year.

What do flippin' balloons know about flippin' flowers and flippin' global warming?!

I got a bit angry and shouted at Lenny to stop being such a fool and stop playing with his stupid balloon as it's making him look like an idiot.
Well, according to Lenny, the balloon did not like this and would prefer it if Lenny didn't hang around with me any more!

Can you believe it? Why the balloon can't say it to my face I don't know. Maybe because it's a balloon AND BALLOONS DON'T TALK!!!

I tell ya, that balloon is getting right on my nerves.

Lenny's new friend

I'm getting a bit worried about Lenny. A red balloon blew into our field yesterday and it landed right next to Lenny in a hedge. Now Lenny loves his new balloon and won't go anywhere without it. He won't let anybody touch it neither and if we're rude about the balloon (I said it was stupid), he gets really angry and storms off.
I know we all get possessive about things from time to time, but Lenny's behaviour is getting really strange. I even thought I heard him talking to his balloon this afternoon in our barn! I think he was discussing the merits of the new Doctor Who and I'm sure I heard him shout at his balloon, "No! You are wrong! Christopher Ecclescake is a brilliant Doctor Who. What would you know? You're just a flippin' balloon!"

Which is frankly, quite scary.

Bunion bedlam!

My latest mad adventure is in this weeks Beano! I'm right grumpy this week and everybody gets on my nerves! It don't help that I've got a nasty bunion on my toe and no one cares.
Hope you enjoy it!

Stupid telescopes

Me and the lads are big fans of astronomy round here and often wonder if there are sheep on Mars. Or if you're Cecil, you'd be wondering if there were bees on other planets. So we got quite excited when we read that they are building super-size telescopes, which can see further than anything built ever. Even further than the Bubble telescope, which has been brilliant.
The only thing that made us laugh was the stupid names they come up with for their new telescopes! Like the Extremely Large Telescope (ELT), or the Overwhelmingly Large Telescope (Owl).
So we decided, that if we build a telescope on our farm we're going to call it FELATSOTT, which stands for Flipping Eck Look At The Size Of That Telescope. We've started building it already and have collected over 30 old toilet rolls. This thing is going to be HUGE!

Bug out

Well, you've probably been wondering why I've been lying low all week...

We finally got that little singing ladybird out of his pot the other day. It was Lenny's bright idea to drop it out of a tree and smash it on the rocks below, although the insect community wasn't best pleased with this turn of events. But, we'd run out of curly wurly so something had to be done.
So up Lenny went and he dropped the pot, but it just bounced. I called him an idiot, he said I was a big fat cow pat. I then grabbed the pot, chucked it at him and he fell out of the tree. The pot then dropped on his concrete bonce and smashed to pieces.

Initially we thought the bug was very happy, so I went up to him and told him how pleased we were to see him free and that he owed us £3.85 for all them curly-wurlys.
Cheeky little blighter then punched me in the chops and gave me a whopper of a black eye!!!

Everyone laughed at me and I got chased by a marauding crowd of excitable ladybirds and chickens (chickens will always get involved if there's a scrap to be had).

So I've kept well out of the spotlight. But I'm in next week's Beano, so I'll have to show my face at some point (I'm the guest celebrity at the opening of a new sweetshop on Tuesday, so I think I'll ask for a box curly-wurlys instead of cash).

hmm...

I've been trying to work out if this is an April Fools joke.

Tensions are rising...