Another brilliant piece of fan art!

Sheldon Goodman (owner of Gertie the fish) has drawn this splendid picture of me losing in a "drink a pint of cola" battle with blog regulars Gertie and Fat Tony. I say splendid, but obviously it's a bit gross, but brilliantly drawn! And coloured!

I would print it out and put it on my wall, but it's a picture of snot flying out of my nostrils and i wouldn't want to frighten my granny.

The perfect Christmas album

We're trying to decide which christmas album to buy for when we put up the christmas tree.
I'm a bit partial to lovely Church choir type of things, whereas Cecil seems to favour The Chipmunks squeeky voice nonsense. Well, they do actually sound a bit like Cecil, so it's understandable.
But we're all a bit worried about Lenny. He's getting quite hot under the collar and insists we get David Hasselhoff's "The Night Before Christmas", which is frankly frightening. Although, it's worth getting just to admire that amazing golden, sprawling signature that's splattered all over the cover!

Any other recommendations?

Big Cecil!

Check out this cool pic sent in by Menaceman!!

I don't ever remember Cecil being that big, but it must've happened 'cos there it is in full glorious colour!
Nice one Menaceman, if we ever need an artist to take over when the usual one goes on another holiday to Papua New Guinea, we know who to ask!

My classical recommendations

I've decided to listen to classical music to improve my intelligence and further my standing amongst my fellow farmyard colleagues. See, it's working already, check out all the long words I'm using.

I'm borrowing classical cd's from the local library bus, and this week I've decided to listen to Mozart, mainly because his first name is "Wolfgang" which is brilliant. Imagine being named after a horde of savage animals? To get in the mood, I'm calling myself "vulturevillains", which probably isn't as posh sounding as Wolfgang, but it's very similar in style.

First I listened to "FigRoll" which is an opera. I'm not sure what what it was all about as there was alot of yodelling and screeching like cats. After the first five minutes, I fell asleep and had the most amazing dream I was being chased by a large melon. Whether that had anything to do with Mozart, I wouldn't know.
Then I listened to Symphony no 41, also called "Jupiter". I love planets as you all know, so I was well looking forward to this one. Unfortunately I completely missed this one too as Neighbours was on, and I'm still in shock at the return of Joe Mangel.
I'm sure it was brilliant though and recommend it to all my readers. Not Neighbours, Mozart's 41st Symphony.

I was going to listen to one of his other symphonies, but it was called "unfinished", so I thought, well, if he can't be bothered to finish it, I ain't gonna bother to start it. So I threw it over the hedge and let's hope it landed in a cowpat.

Next week, Beethoven.

Fog

Bit foggy last night. Ended up in a cowshed. And then in a cowpat.

Christmas is coming!!!

...And it's about time you all started thinking about buying Christmas cards for all your chums!
Well check out this beauty....


It's about 14cm wide and 10cm tall, and it's a particularly unflattering picture Bernard took of me last year and reckoned it would make a brilliant Christmas card. And seeing as everyone round 'ere seems to agree, we've decided to set up business with that bloke who sells them lovely T-shirts of me, and flog 'em for 80p each or 5 for £3.20 (postage free! We're so generous). I think that works out a bit cheaper, but I'm not sure.

Here it is in close up!

If you want any, then just write out a cheque or postal order to Gary Northfield and send to the usual address of:

Gary Northfield
Agent to Derek the Sheep Esq.
5 Cromwell Road
London
SW7 2HR

And we'll post 'em to you as quick as a flash!

And what about the conkers you ask? Well, it all ended rather horribly I have to say. It was me and Baz in the final (why always him?) and there he was telling me how he was going to smash my conker to a pulp and he gave his great monster a big swing... I was too frightened to look and hid me face. There was an almight SQUISH as his conker exploded into a big yellow splat!! We were all covered in egg, although Baz copped most of it, as he'd missed my conker and smacked himself in the chops.

Turns out Cecil's cousin George has suspected Baz was upto no good and had gotten Mad Nigel to confess all by giving him one of them new Cadbury Turkish Delights (they are lovely, but if I eat more than three in one go, I tend to go a bit loopy and run around the field frothing at the mouth. Where's the "delight" in that?)
Anyway, it seems Baz had been using a painted hard boiled egg for a conker, like a really old one that had been in the oven for twenty years or something. So George just swapped it for fresh one, painted up exactly like the real thing. It was too simple really, a bit like Baz! Hahahaha.

So I won, but it was an empty win as I didn't really do anything. I'm sticking to Top Trumps, it's far less stupid than conkers.
When are they gonna bring out a top trumps of me? THAT'S what I want to know.

George smashed!

The conker competition has taken a very unexpected turn. We had to postpone it last week due to my Beano/fame commitments, i.e. I had to open a new pet shop in Swindon and then I had to go on a fun run to raise money for dyslexic hedgehogs.
Crumbs I hate running. Running's for fools who enjoy pain. And I was surrounded by 'em. Well I was for about 2 minutes at the beginning then I sort of got left behind.
But it was for a good cause and we had alot of happy hedgehogs everywhere, eating ice creams mainly. You know, I've never actually seen a hedgehog eat a worm. Bert worm says he's only ever had good times with hedgehogs and never had the occasion to run for his life from one. So I reckon it's one of them "Urban Mists" or whatever.

Anyway! Conkers!!
I'm still beating all those who dare come near me with my King Kong-ker (do you see what I did there? I'm not calling it Big Bertha anymore as that's a girls name. It's now "King Kong-ker". You're allowed to copy me and call your conkers the same.)

Big Baz destroyed Lenny as expected. Somehow Lenny turned up with a conker more like a big raisin, which was no use to man nor beast. He said he soaked it in vinegar to make it go hard, but it just made it go soggy. Bit like his brain.

The big shock was the defeat of Cecil's cousin George. George loves competitions as many of you will remember. And when it comes to conkers George is the bee to beat all-comers. He's the South yorkshire Conker reigning champion and no one has beat him. But it took one thwack from Big Baz's "Little Baz" and it was smashed to smithereens!!



George was so upset, he didn't speak to no-one. He took the train home and ain't been heard of since. Cecil said his mobile was switched off too.

George is normally a fair player as well, and he ain't never a sore loser ever. What upset him was the fact that his conker was recently declared the Toughest Conker in Britain by the "Guiness Book Of Records". So how comes it was smashed to billions of little pieces??

Seeing as Big Baz was involved, you KNOW that foul play is just around the corner.

We're watching you Big Baz...

Bazzer the basher

Big Baz has been doing pretty well with his own conker this week. He calls it "Little Baz", which is mildly stupid.
He smashed up Herman Chicken's conker to smithereens. Herman was very upset and cried.
Baz just laughed of course. He then broke in half Des Duck's lucky conker his dad gave him when he was born. Baz actually put it in his mouth and cracked it with his teeth. We all shouted it was cheating, so Baz apologised and gave Des his conker back, what was left of it, and said, "lets play properly then!". Of course you can't play conkers with two smashed up halves, so Des was not a happy duck I can tell you.
Then he was up against Cecil, but he accidently bashed Cecil on the head, saying that Cecil looked a bit like a conker really. I'll have to agree with Baz there, Cecil is very conker-like and really ought not to have gotten involved.

So, he's up against Lenny tomorrow. That should be a laugh. Lenny's only just moved on from playing tiddly winks and wouldn't know how to lob a conker if it hit him in his face. Whatever that means.
Good luck Lenny! Not.

The world's first Derek The Sheep T-Shirt!!!

Well, if it isn't the greatest t-shirt in the whole world! And you can buy it now!!


This splendid garment will tell the world what a refined taste in hilarious comic-strips you have and you will be the centre of attention at any party! Not only that, but the azure blue greatly enhances the good looks of all those fortunate enough to wear it.
Check out this dude!

This snazzy piece will set you back the very small price of £12 + £2 postage.

Available in the children sizes YS (i.e.Young Small), YM, YL and the adult sizes S, M, L, XL.
We only have a limited supply at the moment and delivery will be anything upto 3 weeks depending on stock levels, so get those orders in fast!

Payment can be by cheque or postal order. Please make payable to:
Gary Northfield.

Address all orders to:

Gary Northfield
5 Cromwell Road
London
SW7 2HR

(Hopefully, once I've figured it out, I'll also be able to take PayPal payments, but that won't be for a little while yet.)


And of course, don't forget to rush out and buy this week's Beano, my greatest story EVER is in there! Really, it's brilliant.

Big thanks to Thomas Fry and his mum Rebecca Fry for delivering a such fantastic photo!