Derek the Conkererer!

Well, it's conker season as you all well know, and we all love competitions round here and we're having a BIG conker "Conk-Out" all this week.
Of course I'm the best at conkers in the entire world and I was interviewed on local TV once for being so great.
In fact I still have the same conker from all those years ago and it's called Big Bertha, after my Auntie Bertha who sort of looked like a conker actually. It's never let me down and I've smashed up a total of 92 conkers, 28 acorns, 16 old baked beans and some eggs.

I am the Champ!!!

So bring it on!


Bert Worm admires "Big Bertha".

Banana spider madness!!!

I bought some bananas today. I love bananas me and so does everyone else. Except, when I peeled mine open a mad spider jumped out!!! Flippin' flip it made me jump. We were all a bit scared to begin with, as you hear all these mad stories where they bite you and your legs fall off, or something.
But just as we were just about to splat him with a slipper (Bernard wears slippers!! Hahaha!!), he pulled out a little banjo and played a lovely little tune about a jolly trip up the Amazon river. Must be where they have the factory with all them books.

Boy what a laugh he turned out to be! He got us all dancing the samba and everything. He's right keen on that banjo mind; he can out-fret Liberty X any day.
He then showed us how to cook fajitas on the barbeque. They were sizzling.

To be honest, we didn't have a clue what he was whittering on about in his funny little language. He tried to tell us what his name is, but we all ended up with sore throats, so we decided to call him "Senor Banana".
And he seemed to like that!

Tee Shirts

I've decided, seeing as it's winter and everything, now's the time to make some T-shirts! Well they always put the heating right up in the barn, so I wear t-shirts more in the winter than the summer anyway.
Here's a sneak preview, what do you think? It won't be available for a couple of weeks yet, but I thought I 'd tease you a bit.

Drumroll please.....

We have our two lucky Beano Annual winners!

It was a very tough quiz, as you all quite helpfully told me, and it's pretty obvious many of you had missed some of my earlier, legendary adventures. Quite a surprising high amount of entrants got half the answers correctly, but we had one clever reader who answered nearly two thirds of the questions correctly and one amazingly devoted Derek fan who only got one answer wrong!
And so..
The runner-up, with 9 glorious points....

Alistair Stuart! AKA Menaceman. Well done Alistair! I think you had a feeling you were pretty close, we could hear your nail-biting from here!

And the winner, with a stupendous 14 correct answers! 14!


........

********JON SOUTH, from Berkshire!!!!!!*********


Many congratulations to both Jon and Alistair, worthy winners I think you'll agree, considering how stupidly difficult I made the questions...

A signed Beano 2006 will be darkening your doors very soon.

Thank you to all those who took part! It was fun (sort of), but fear not, the next competition coming up very soon will be EASY PEASY!!
So here are the correct answers:

Question 1
In my very first adventure, what was guarding the bridge stopping everyone getting to the other side?

b) A fire-breathing troll


Question 2
In the story "Field of Dreams" (issue 3227 may 22nd 2004), me and my mate Lizzie escape from Farmer Jack on a tractor. Why was he chasing us?

c) We'd eaten his prize apples


Question 3
In "Getting the wind up" (issue 3231 June 19th 2004), I had a fight with a stupid squirrel. What was he trying to watch on the T.V.?

d) Britney Spear's latest video


Question 4
I had a lovely snowy story in "No Business like snow business" back in December 2004 (issue 3256), but what did me and the gang use for a sledge?

b) The barn door


Question 5
I had a load of flies hanging around my backside getting on my nerves in issue 3236, July 24th 2004. What did I use as a long tail to give 'em a good whacking?

d) a bullrush

Question 6
Cecil and his stupid cousin George completely ruined my chances of winning "Best Farmyard Haircut 2005" in "Bad Hair Day" (iss. 3262, Jan 22 2005), but George loved competitions; what did he win just the week before?

c) A bubblegum blowing contest


Question 7
Who turned up for the first time in issue 3252 November 13th 2004, desperate to be my friend, but ending up getting me in big trouble?


b) Cecil

Question 8
In "It's an Ill Wind", (3240 August 2004), I somehow got loads of crisps stuck in my eyes; what did Lenny throw in my face to wash them out with?

a) Baked beans


Question 9
We came face to face with a stupid leprechaun in issue 3245 (sept 25th 2004), but he wasn't actually from Ireland! Where was he from?

c) Barnsley


Question 10
Farmer Jack made us all wear annoying bells round our necks in issue 3266 (Feb 19th 2005). What was the punishment if we took them off?

a) Wash all 28 of his dirty tractors


Question 11
In issue 3270 (Mar 19th 2005) we had a great game of football, but who didn't like being a goalpost and walked off in a sulk?

c) Kevin the rabbit


Question 12
In last years Christmas issue all us sheep were auditioning for a part in the nativity play. What was Lenny's act that left the judges unimpressed?

c) Juggling eggs


Question 13
I had a painful bunion on my foot in issue 3274 (April 16th 2005). Cecil had a new birthday present which really got on my nerves; what was it?


b) A guitar


Question 14
I was unhappy at being mistaken for Lenny in issue 3286 (July 9th 2005), what did Cecil dress me up as to make me look different?


d) A Mongolian Hairy Moose

Question 15
Last month, issue 3290, we met Big Baz for the first time, but who knocked all his teeth out?

a) Doris, Cecil's sister

And the winner is...

Ooh. I'm not saying.

I'll tell you Friday! Hahaha!

Here's a picture of me as Super Derek, from prolific Derek scribbler Menaceman while you bite yer nails...

I'm back!!

Hello! Apologies for the very quiet blog the last week or so; me 'n' the lads have been on holiday!
I took Lenny, Cecil and Nobby to visit my lovely relatives in Wales and boy what a grand time we had! Cecil made friends with everybody (as usual), even my Uncle Jack, the hairiest sheep in Wales, and Jack don't like bees normally. But they were the bestest of mates by the time we had to leave and it was a very tearful farewell and Jack even gave Cecil a fiver to buy some sweets (Jack's never given ME a fiver before!).

Lenny made friends with all my mum's pals in the tea shop, gossipping about the local goings on; apparently the peas served with the carvery at the Red Lion are tinned peas, Can you believe it?
I know, it don't mean nothing to me neither, but they were all in a tizz about it nonetheless. I quite like tinned peas myself.
I also think Lenny's put on two stone from all the tea and cake he's been shovelling down his gob too, but he disagreed obviously, until he put on his dancing trousers and they ripped RIGHT up his backside!!! What a fat blob!

Nobby played with my cousin Benny most of the week. Benny is just a little lamb and is probably about the same age as Nobby and a right couple of scamps they were too.
They played football most of the time and pretty much destroyed Uncle Jack's prize petunias and broadbean plant things. He weren't too pleased and I think it's safe to say that Nobby didn't get no fiver to buy a bag of sweets!

And me? I just just sat on the sofa watching DVDs. It was bliss!
It was bliss considering the amount of work I've got coming up in the next few weeks.

And I thought a monthly comicstrip was hard work...


Anyway, here's a great picture of me as a brilliant ninja, as sent in by regular blog reader The Thing! (Ain't he in the Fantastic Four?)



Cheers Thing. There's a sketch winging it's way to you next week. (All drawings receive a free sketch of me to put on your mantlepiece!)