Some stupid pigeons sat on our roof today and they got on ALL our nerves. We'd all rushed home to watch "Neighbours" and they were cooing and squawking and tapping around on the roof. You can't concentrate under those conditions, so I went outside and gave them a piece of my mind. I hate birds as you know, but I hate pigeons the most 'cos they smell and poo everywhere.
They were so oblivious to my shouting that they just ignored me. I kept shouting and screaming, but they weren't having any of it. It was only when I started throwing rocks at them and they come after me to peck my eyes out, that I realised they were wearing the new "ipod shuffle", which is why they couldn't hear me. I hadn't seen one yet and they looked very nice.
So we got talking about ipods etc. and I proudly showed them my p-pod which they were very interested in. They're the sort who like to keep up with all the latest gadgets and hadn't heard of "p-pods" and said I was probably the coolest sheep in this field! What nice pigeons.
When I went back in the barn to tell everybody how brilliant I apparently am, I realised I'd completely missed Neighbours!
Suddenly it was one of the worst days in my life!
I never miss an episode of Neighbours. Never.

Bogey face

It was so cold today, that all the snot that dribbled from Lenny's nose when he slept, froze to his face and he woke up plastered in straw!
That sheep has no shame.

Bee in a bonnet

Here's Cecil's cousin George in his stupid hat. What a flippin' berk. Apparently he won it in an International Bumble Bee Bungee-Jumping competition.
He must've come last or something.

Bee ahead in fashion

Cecil's going around wearing his new hat today. I ain't too impressed; I think he looks like he should be yodelling in the Swiss Alps or something.
Apparently it's the "in thing" in the world of bees these days, and everyone who's anyone is sporting a felt hat with a feather in.
He looks so happy in it, it's frightening.

Shout box!

As an experiment I've put a Shoutbox on the left, where you can have realtime conversations with me and some of my mates. There's loads of conversations going on all over this site on various articles, so I thought it might be a good idea to have one place to chat!
Lenny likes it 'cos he's thick and it's simple to use. All you have to do is put in your name and say how great I am, click preview or post and Bob's your uncle. You don't need a website or anything.
If it's rubbish and no one uses it, then I'll take it off.
Go on - test my shining wit!

Snow! We love it!

Hooray! It's snowing and we love snow on this farm. Well usually anyway.
We all had a fantastic big snowball fight this afternoon; sheep and chickens versus cows and ducks. It was brilliant! I got charlie chicken right between the eyes, he won't be "cock-a-doodle-dooing" for a little while I can tell you.
Me and the lads built a big snowball which we rolled down the hill and took out half their army. Colin Duck went missing for half an hour until we realised he'd ended up in the snowball and was stuck. He found 50p while he was in there, so he was quite chuffed. Lenny copped a big snowball on the back of his head and he ended up in the hedge, he looked a right idiot. He said it wasn't funny, but obviously it was.

I got a massive snowball in the chops and I lost a tooth in the process. My new name is now "Watford" after "Watford gap" which is apparently a big road or something. I've never heard of it, so it's not even funny.
I think that tooth is definitely lost now seeing as it's white and is lost in white snow. I wouldn't mind, but everytime I say something I whistle out the side of my mouth. It was amusing for a little while, but now I just get on my own nerves. I hate whistling.

Me mid-splat. One of them snowflakes is probably my tooth flying about!

No one loves me

Well that rascal Lenny has finally confessed; he sent the card.
Oh yes, my best mate thought it would be brilliant fun to have me think that someone would actually bother to send me a valentines card. Ho ho! What a laugh! I guess I was a fool to think it might actually be true, not that the list of potentials was particularly inspiring: a weird cow from the next field; a blind bee; some stupid goose and a couple of mad chickens.
Hardly the material to sweep you off your feet.
I'm much happier being single I've decided anyway. At least I can go home when I want, watch "Match of the Day" whenever I fancy and read my collection of Spider-man comics without feeling guilty. 'Cos when you've got a girlfriend you can't do none of that and you have to do all the ironing and washing up and mow the lawn. Well that's what Lenny says, although I don't know how he knows so much, no one would go near him and his bogey-face.

I'm in the Beano! Again!

Flippin' eck! I've been in such a daze all week, that I forgot to say I'm in the Beano this week! If you're a loyal fan, you probably don't need telling anyway.
Hope you enjoy it!!

Miss Mystery

Well, you know, it's still a mystery to me who sent me that card...
I asked that cow if it was her and she said "HA!" so loud, I got a big face full of spit. So I'm glad it wasn't her, as she's a bit gross.
Why don't she make herself known to me? Why does she torture my soul?
I've written a love poem for my mysterious girlfriend:

Miss Mystery,
How I wonder who you are?
Are you a cow?
Or are you a pig?
Are you near or are you far?
Fair maiden how I wish I knew your face,
So we could watch Bambi on DVD round my place.
Together.
You came from nowhere and stole my heart,
Yet you leave me stranded far apart.

I know it needs a bit of work, but when she finally reveals herself I'll give it to her written on paper sprayed with Lynx "Africa". She won't know what to say then!

Somebody loves me!

Well I don't know about you lot, but yesterday I got a valentines card!!
Hooray! I always knew I was lovely and brilliant and now it's true. It's my first ever and I shall treasure it always. At last someone recognises how handsome and witty I am, but it wasn't always this way, my mum often used to say to me, "You are no Brad Pitt, Derek", but now I am. And I bet Brad Pitt doesn't have any valentines cards this year seeing as he's single, unlike me.
What he would give to have a face like mine, eh?
Now all we have to do is find out who sent it! Lenny reckons it's that weird cow who was staring at me last week, apparently her name's Alice. She was staring at me because she thought I was a zombie!! I'm not going out with anyone who fancies zombies.
Cecil thinks it might be his short-sighted sister Emily who sort of likes me from a distance; but I don't even like bees, so that's a no-brainer already.
Oh the giddy excitement! I've never been in love before!

The evidence - but whose handwriting???

Daniel Beddingfield's new haircut shock

'Ere, did anyone see the Brit awards? I did and I couldn't help notice that Daniel Beddingfield had a different haircut. He must have read this blog, seen that I said his old haircut was stupid and he must have cried and brushed it differently. It did look better and he sung like an angel I reckon.
If you want any fashion tips, I'm your sheep.

Mad Zombie Caught!

Well, I think it's safe to say I'm not a happy sheep!
I'm in a baaad mood and nothing nobody says will make me happy again. Ever.

There's me and Lenny dressed up as chickens last night ("Match of the Day" was on Wednesday night, so our mission was put on hold.) Somehow we sneaked into the chicken coop completely unnoticed; our disguises were a complete success! One nice surprise was meeting an old mate of mine Emily Chicken and we had a wonderful chat catching up on the old days. She asked how my mum was, I said she was fine. Her mum's ok too, and her dad finally got round to fixing his beloved motorbike. It was lovely to talk to her again, and really, she hadn't aged at all in those six months since we last saw each other.

So there all of us chickens were, sitting on our eggs (me and Lenny had golf balls), waiting anxiously for the first signs of The Mad Zombie of Farmer Jack's farm.

It was about 9 o'clock when we all heard the first scufflings and scratchings outside the coop...
The time had come, I thought, we shall catch our zombie!
Through the doorway we could see a dark shadow creeping about, like a scary shadowy shadow-thing it was.
The chickens were clucking nervously, so me and Lenny joined in, "cluck, cluck, cluckedy cluck!" we clucked. No doubt we'd asked for a kilo of tomatoes in chicken language, but it didn't matter, we were focussed on our mission.
Suddenly, a small round figure shuffled into the coop. It was too dark to see who it was, so me and Lenny didn't wait around and we jumped him quick and the Zombie let out a large scream! All hell broke loose and the chickens went crazy. The place was full of feathers and noise and our zombie was struggling hard to make a getaway but me and Lenny held onto him fast. A big egg fight started and in the chaos me, Lenny and the zombie fell out of the coop into the yard.

We had our zombie and now we shall find out who he really was!

At first, I was shocked. I couldn't believe who the zombie was. He seemed such a nice chap when I'd seen him about on the farm. Always said hello and let lady animals through the gate first. A real gentleman.
But no. Sebastian pig is a Zombie! And suddenly everything made sense...

Every morning all the animals would visit Sebastian for breakfast. He had a great reputation for making lovely fried egg sandwiches, and they were gorgeous it has to be said. But he would never let on where he got his eggs from, "A good cook never gives away his secrets", he always used to say.
But now we know! He'd sneak into the chicken coop every night, scare the chickens and nick their eggs, shouting "I am a mad zombie! Fear for your lives!".

This is the point where I get a bit angry and I practically hate everyone on the farm. The chickens said the zombie had wonky legs and weird eyes. So everybody blamed me.
Have you seen Sebastian? Here's a picture.

He's a three-legged one-eyed pig.
So when you're on the look out for a "wonky-legged bogg-eyed zombie", who's going to be your first suspect?
Hmm?
Exactly.
But oh no, he makes lovely fried egg sandwiches and he's so friendly and polite, therefore it must be Derek The flippin' Sheep!
Well thanks a bunch gang. Unless I get a big box of chocolates and all the grass I can eat, plus a big bottle of lemonade, then I'm off to live on another farm.
Right?

Chicken fun

Well! At last me and Lenny have come up with a great plan. Lenny has been a brilliant mate as always, whilst all "ex-friends" are horrible and stare at me or shout nonsense like "Leave us alone you stupid Zombie!" and generally making my life a misery.
Lenny says, that even though I'm a strange zombie nowadays, he doesn't really mind and that I was a pretty weird anyway and smelt a bit funny when I wasn't a zombie.
Thanks Lenny.
Anyway, tomorrow night we're dressing up as chickens and we're going to hide in the chicken coop and we're going to find out who the real zombie is!!
Check the pic for our cool disguise. We've even started to talk like chickens to each other, to get into the right frame of mind for our mission. Lenny has even started eating chicken feed and trying to lay eggs, but that's taking things too far I think.

Look out zombies! Here we come! Ha ha har!!!

Tell me straight; is this the face of a mad zombie?? Is it?! Look at those cheeky eyes and jolly smile! It's a lovely face!
Not only is it a face my mother loves, everyone loves it!
Unless, of course, you're a stupid chicken and you think I'm a flipping ZOMBIE!!

I can't bear it...sob...I'm going to bed, and I'm not even staying up for "Match of the Day"... see if I care.
Zombies don't watch "Match of the Day" anyway, probably.

voodoo you think I am?

Well, I've heard it all now. Apparently there's a zombie going around frightening the chickens in the middle of the night. Can you believe it?! A zombie!
And the chickens want to catch this zombie but reckon he's disguised himself as one of us on the farm. And according to them, the only way you can spot a zombie is that one of their legs are shorter than the other. And they have mad eyes.

Which is why everyone has been spying on ME! There's a rumour going around the entire farm that because my legs are wonky and I have weird looking eyes, therefore I'm the flipping zombie!
Has the world gone mad?! Why would I want to be a zombie? And who says my eyes are weird looking? I've a good mind to see Farmer Jack and tell him I've had enough and I'm moving up North, 'cos people appreciate me there.

But seeing as I'm a zombie, he'd probably lock me away.

I need a plan of action, and fast!

Goose has a gander!

Well that strange cow was there again this morning, so I went up to her and asked her straight, "What are you flipping looking at ya big cowpat?", to which she ran off screaming.
I didn't mean to scare her, I just wanted to know what all the staring is about. Maybe I shouldn't have shouted at her.
So anyway, me and Lenny went for a wander around the farm today (I don't think Farmer Jack minds, although we didn't actually ask for permission) and you know what? I'd swear everyone was looking at me weirdly. Lenny says I'm going mad and perhaps I ought to shut up and stop boring him to death about "who's staring at who". It's nice to have an understanding friend.
Then at that moment I caught Eddy Goose hiding behind a tree and looking directly at me! Staring he was! At me! So I ran after him shouting "What do you want? Stop looking at me!! Come back here and I'll boot you up the bum!". He ran like the wind he did, stupid goose.

Well this convinced Lenny that something really was going on and he promised to get to the bottom of it, if only to shut me up.
He's a great mate that Lenny.

Eddy Goose, legging it like a big chicken!

Peeking cow

I'm a bit worried. There's a new cow in the next field and she keeps staring at me. She don't stare at no one else, just me, and it's ruining my life.
Lenny reckons she fancies me, which isn't even funny.
I try to get on with my daily business, eating grass, wandering around and such-like, but I can't relax with that stupid moo-cow peering over the hedge watching my every move.
If she don't stop doing it, I'm going to go right over and tell her! I will!
Just you watch me...

What does she want!? Go away!! Aaarrggghh!!!