Thursday, August 25, 2005

I am a ninja!!

First an apology. You've probably noticed my little diary has been a bit quiet the last few weeks. Being in the Beano on a regular basis has made me pretty famous and I've become very popular on the after-dinner speech circuit. I've actually been doing a tour of sheep barns enrapturing audiences. (I learnt the word "enrapturing" the other day off a very brainy rabbit. Apparently my eyeballs are "enrapturing", and I was completely hooked thereafter. Isn't it brilliant? I'll be using it much more often from now on to impress my mates.)

Anyway, I've toured the barns of London, Hemsby, Romford, Ipswich, upper Coventry, Eccles, Padstow, Cheddar, Dairylea and Loch Ness and met many lovely sheep who thought I was funny and had great presents.

So I'm back (hooray), and I need to let you know what happened at our big meeting!!!

Basically we all decided that we weren't going to buy Bernard back as we all recounted our past experiences with him and remembered quite vividly how stupid and smelly he was. We all loved our great new goat Harold and had no wish to swap him back. So we drafted a letter to Farmer Jack saying something like "Dear Farmer Jack. We love Harold and don't want to see Bernard again even if he turns up out of nowhere, out of the blue." Des Duck wrote the letter as he had the best handwriting and he gets a bit funny if anyone else writes anything. Stupid duck.
We then had one of the best parties in living memory! I lived up to my nickname "Hot Hooves" as I shook my booty on the dance-floor. Everyone was well impressed with my depiction of The White Stripes doorbell ringing and my Beyonce bottom wobbling thing that she does. Lenny done his usual Britney number (which is getting a bit boring now, most people headed for the buffet at that point.)
And boy the food was great! We had a jokey turnip flavour to the whole thing with turnip pizzas, turnip sausages, turnip cakes, that sort of thing. We all had a toast to Bernard and three cheers to Harold and the last thing I remember was dressing up as Tarzan and Lenny was my monkey and we had a big fight with Nigel who pretended to be a crocodile.

I woke up in a hedge at four o'clock the next morning.

As for Fat Tony, me, Lenny and our mate Ginger the ninja dressed up as er..ninjas last night and sneaked up on him while he slept. We didn't need to be particularly quiet as his snoring was very loud and no other noises could be heard. We grabbed his stupid Swedish Turnip thingy and squashed it on his head (it was pretty squidgy and mouldy by then).

"Eat that you fat bogey!!" I think we shouted at him, then we run off with high fives flying all over the place and decided that was a job well done!!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Bum note

Well here's that ransom note everyone's been speculating about. I was meant to put it on here a couple of days ago, but it blew away in the wind. Fortunately Chris sparrow found it up his tree a couple of fields away this morning.

What do you think? Is it genuine? I'm not even sure it looks like Bernard myself, it looks more like King Charles the First with that silly haircut. Unless of course Bernard's been roughed up and he's let his hair go a bit. He always looked after his curly locks that Bernard, you rarely found him far away from a bottle of shampoo and conditioner. Or pants.

I have my suspicions and I reckon a certain pigeon is having me on. Anyway £1000 is a lot of money for a turnip, or even a goat and we've got Harold now anyway, so we're not likely to cough up that sort of cash.

we're having a big meeting tomorrow in the barn to see what we can do. I'll let you know the outcome. I like meetings, we always end up having a brilliant disco after with a finger buffet.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Uh oh...

Worrying development in the search for Bernard saga...

I think he's been kidnapped....

More news tomorrow.

Meanwhile, here's a picture of Bernard as he's fondly remembered.. scoffing a pair of old underpants.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Have you seen me???

Well, here's a poster to help find Bernard. We've put it up all around the farm, so let's hope he turns up!
Thanks for the idea Molyan! You're a genius.

If this don't work, nothing will.

Saturday, August 06, 2005


Blimey! Me and the gang have been so busy trying to figure out what happened to Bernard, that I forgot to tell you to rush out and buy this week's Beano!!!
I'm in it!! The story is brilliant as usual and introduces no less than THREE new characters; Doris the Bee, Cecil's sister; Big Baz, the farm bully and Mad Nigel his stupid mate.
Check out the colouring too which is all down to me and Lenny. Isn't it sparkly and lovely? You wait till you see next month's! You'll need to wear sunglasses cos the colouring is so zingy.

Bernard update: There was a turnip seen rolling about on a bus last tuesday, as spotted by Reggie Bull. He nearly ate it too, but he says he doesn't eat food that's been on the floor (Which isn't true. I've seen him eat a jelly tot that was lying on the road once. What a pig).

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Flippin' 'eck!! Where's Bernard?

I was having a chat to my great new pal Harold and I mentioned Bernard the goat and how he'd turned into a turnip. Harold was keen to see him (not to eat him I hope!) so me and Lenny got out the box we keep him in under our secret bale of hay and BERNARD WAS GONE!!

The box was flippin' empty!! No one could remember the last time we'd looked inside. Lenny said it was maybe last Saturday or perhaps Thursday, he wasn't sure as he always gets those two mixed up. I definitely remember sticking in a bit of lettuce on Wednesday (he loved lettuce our Bernard), but I've been so busy the last few days I haven't even thought of looking to see if he was ok.
Harold noticed there was a spider in the box and gave him a right grilling! Turns out the spider only moved in yesterday and there weren't no goats there then. There was a bit of lettuce but he ate that. I thought spiders only ate flies and things? Who knows.

Then Lenny started shouting at the spider and pretty much accused him of eating Bernard.
"You've eaten Bernard you stupid insect!!" he screamed. That really upset the spider (spiders aren't insects apparently. They sure look like insects to me!), so he upped sticks and left in a right huff. His passing words were, "I'm moving back to Birmingham! It might have mad weather, but at least people treat me with RESPECT!".

I'm sure Birmingham's 300 miles away, which must be about a million miles in spider miles. I hope his legs wear out! Fancy eating our goat! Stupid spider.